Words, words, words!

So, "Phallus Pan" is coming to a close tonight, and it's time for some of my closing night reflection and bullshit. haha

Last night we had two performances in one night, one at 8pm and one at 12pm/am. It took a lot out of me. Doing just one show full out drains the hell out of me, but doing two shows almost killed me. I slept like a baby today. But it's also interesting because the dynamic of the midnight show was very strange. I don't know if it was because of the time or the audience or the actors or what, but it seemed to be a different show when we performed it. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, it was just different from previous performances. It was fun to play up the awkwardness too, because with each scene it kept growing and growing and I don't think they realized what would happen next. I got a little frustrated with them because they weren't as vocal with the funny bits, and I was working my ass off, but to no avail. But it's all good, sometimes they just won't respond to it. But I don't see how people can survive doing two shows a day. I guess it's a lot easier when it's a matinee and night performance rather than a night and into the early morning hours one, lol

Also, during the run of the show, we've had much opposition. There is apparently a person out there who has so much hatred and his or her....no, "its" heart that it feels the need to not only attack the show and some of the actors, but to even go outside of Limelight and attack actors not involved. I don't understand how a person could feel so much animosity towards a piece of theatre. If you don't like it, then don't come see it. It's that simple. And I guess if it offends you so much, then sure you can talk about how you don't like it. It's freedom of speech baby. But don't make any comments on a play if you've never seen it. That's plain ignorance. And when you personally attack people, that's when you've crossed the line. I don't know if we will ever truly figure out who "it" is, but I hope they realize what a coward they are and that they do not deserve to be involved in such a great art form as the theatre. I hope they end up working in some lowly job in a deserted town and have no friends. So pooh on you!

This show has been such an amazing experience for me. Like I've said before, I've never had a part like this, so it's allowed me to work on a different type of character with an extremely well developed path. People have come up to me and told me that my character was the most well developed one in the whole show, and while it's nice to hear that, I can only partially take credit for it. The playwright is the main reason Wendy is such a badass character. Without her genius on the page, I'd be nothing. But I've also been proud of the path I've discovered for Wendy and with the direction and words on the page, the combination of all three have developed into this really great character. And this is the first time I've worked with an original script and specifically with a part that was written for me. It makes me feel good that the playwright felt I could handle this role and all the shit that goes with it. And I love Wendy so much. I mean, there's a 99% chance that I would never get to be the rapER and not the rapEE. I absolutely love that. I've had the chance to do things that I've never done on stage before, so my next role will never be as amazingly frighteningly awesome as this. It's been a shitty last couple of weeks, but this show and these people have gotten me through it. And what better way to recuperate from a traumatic experience than to do it through theatre. I couldn't ask for better timing.

So, here's to the "death of theatre" and "Phallus Pan". It was a great experience! Amazing show, amazing cast, amazing role, amazing playwright, amazing director...I couldn't ask for anything more!

Let our show by the rice krispie treat!

So, opening weekend for "Phallus Pan" has come and gone, and it was great! Minus Friday night, we had excellent audiences considering a ton of people are still away for the summer. On opening night we sold out completely and had to turn people away. That's a really great feeling.

I think I've been doing pretty well with this show. As I said before, everything has sort of clicked together recently, and I've been able to connect with the emotional side of Wendy. I know I went through a different experience, but feeling all that pain and anger made it easier to relate to Wendy and all of her pain. I'm going to say, and I don't want it to come off cocky or self-indulgent, but I truly believe the final scene of Pan is my best work thus far in theatre. I don't think I'm giving my best performance in the overall show; there are certain parts that give me shit all the time and I kick myself for it. You know when you're acting and in the moment and everything...and then you suddenly lose it and you think "Well fuck, where did it go". That happens to me sometimes during the show, but all I can do is focus and try and bounce back. But, the final scene is so powerful and beautifully written....and I think it's one of those things where every aspect just falls into place. I feel so much during that scene, and believe me it is truth down to the very core. It takes me about 10 minutes to get out of it. Thankfully with the audience I talk to them afterwards which makes the process speed up, but you should have seen me at our final dress when we were getting notes after the run-through. It was like my whole family had died at that moment because I was so depressed and quiet and blah.

And I know I've talked about the audience and it's affect on me before, but this one instance this weekend just pissed me off. On Friday we had a small audience, which didn't bother me, but they were sooooo not into it. They laughed periodically throughout the show, but it was until the last scene where they got very vocal. And I will admit, there are parts of the last scene that are funny. But this audience laughed during my monologue and the rape and the final moment. I was enraged when I finished the scene. There I am, basically pouring my heart out and being metaphorically naked onstage....and you're laughing at me?!?!? There is nothing funny about my monologue. KJSJKDKDDSOD! I know they didn't intentionally do that to spite me, but it still frustrated me to no end. I guess it's different strokes for different folks.

I've started working on my monologues for auditions coming up for the fall semester at Tech. It's weird because the past two auditions I've been to I didn't have to worry about being cast in a show. Summer Rep needed like a bajillion girls and for Pan they planned on using everybody who auditioned. Now it's the big time audition with cattle calls and monologues and faculty directors....I'm scared shitless. I've picked out two really great monologues though that I think will show my range more than I have before. I still have that worry that I wont make anything. That's probably one of my greatest fears...not doing theatre. And it sucks because there's nothing you can do about it. It just depends on who fits where and looks the part. There's a lot of great actors that don't get cast because of random reasons. I just hope I can continue my streak of great roles.

“Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.” -Henry Rollins

So, life has pretty much bent me over the figurative table and fucked me in the ass this week. Twice. But, this blog is not about my personal life, and while I would love to get all my feelings out in the open, this isn't the place for it. Instead, I'm going to relate my shitty situation to acting and the show.

I haven't had a lot of tragedy in my life. I've been blessed with having a pretty normal childhood and adult-like life. As a normal person, that's all you can ask for, but as an actor it sucks balls. Acting is all about experiencing the emotions that these characters go through, which could range from anything. It helps when you've gone through some turmoil because then you can remember "Hey, I felt like this during this time of my life" and you know what to pull from and where you need to end up. I've always felt behind the curve in this sense because I don't have a lot to pull from. What I've done (and I'm not sure which acting method this belongs to, I think it's Stanislavsky with the whole emotional recall thing) is just find instances where I've felt a similar emotion, just not with the same situation. For instance, in two recent shows I've been in, "Cabin Fever" and now "Phallus Pan", I've played a character who has lost a parent. I've never lost a parent, thank goodness, but I still have to go through the process of dealing with that loss, and I really have to identify what part of the grieving they are at.

So, basically what all this rambling is coming down to is that now I've had (and am having) a very traumatic portion of my life. It's awful and horrible and it sucks. BUT, I guess the little, itty bitty silver lining in this situation is that it's helped me a lot during "Phallus Pan". Wendy is the most emotional character I've played ever. Again, I don't get to do dramatic stuff very much, so this is a change for me. And Wendy is kind of the litmus test for the show, because she's the one that goes through these situations in Neverland and we see how she reacts to each one. And towards the end of the show she becomes extremely emotional, because the whole reason she comes to Neverland is she wants to forget the death of her father. So, when she reaches the end of the play, she's dealing with all the emotions with her father and her frustration with everyone else, and her love for Pan. I think I've been doing ok with it up to this point, but it wasn't until recently that it all clicked. Having all this shit happen to me recently gives me stuff to pull from for the show. I always try to keep the drama at the door, but this show and this part give me the chance to kind of deal with it. The first time we ran the show after everything happened I was shaking so badly after it was over, but it felt good to just feel it and not having to worry about being strong or happy.

It kills me because there's one monologue at the end that just got me. Wendy pins Pan down and monologues about what she learned in Neverland, stuff like how to be angry and lonely and how avoiding pain just makes it worse. I don't think I've ever said any words as truthfully as I did at that rehearsal at that time. It was great, but also awful.

So, I guess I'm sort of glad for this life experience. People can't have perfect lives, especially people within a play. There's always conflict, always heightened emotions. So at least I'm thriving somewhere in my life.

You are going to die in an hour and a half....you will die at the end of the play!"

So, I found a real job, and I'm working from 9-5 Mon-Fri with rehearsals for Pan at night. And the other day I thought to myself "Huh, this is how my life will be if I do this for the rest of my life". Which is weird because I've never done this before; school has always been a part of my life. So it's kind of neat to think I'm sort of starting a good trend that will hopefully continue on for the rest of my life. Work and Theatre. I'd be happy with that.

Anyways, Pan has been going extremely well. I really love this role because it's not my typical type-casting. I've been working on being more realistic and bringing myself down. I'm a very big actor and I constantly want to entertain, so my acting can be very broad at times. So I've been working on not trying to be a character as much, but more trying to be me. I find it so weird when a director tells you to just be you. I find it harder to be me on stage than someone else, which is weird, I know! If it's just me, I'm constantly questioning my motives and actions. I think "Wow, I wouldn't say this line ever". But I think I've been working on trying to find a good mixture of the two extremes so I don't feel so awkward. I always put some of me into each character, so I think in this instance I just put more than I normally would. It's still a work in progress.

Now, on a unrelated non-acting note, I've been inspired recently. A while back I was looking at random articles on-line about the pros and cons of going to graduate school for acting. I'm debating whether or not to go to graduate school. I have no earthly idea what I want to do after I graduate college, and graduate school is one option, but there's a lot of issues with that. But that's another subject for a rainy day. So, I was reading this blog about this one guys opinion about going to graduate school for acting. And whilst perusing the blog, I found one statement that I thought was interesting. He said that if you are going to graduate, and while in graduate school, you should read a play every other day. And, the more I think about it, the more I think undergraduates should do this too! Undergrads are always asking about where to find good monologues, and god knows we don't have extensive knowledge of different plays....EUREKA!

So, I am creating a program for myself. I am going to read a play every other day. So far it's been great, I've read at least one play EVERY day. Which I know will not continue once school starts; but, reading at least like an act of a play every day isn't that much. And once I figure out my schedule, I can always find time to sneak some reading in. Right now I just kind of grabbed some books, a lot were plays that were recently done on Broadway. I've made it through all three plays of "The Norman Conquests" which were fucking hilarious! I would kill to be in them, but the chances of any place doing three full length shows is near to impossible. I can still dream though :) I also read "Jake's Women" by Neil Simon, which was pretty good too. I mean, it's Neil Simon so it's nothing amazing, but still funny to read. There were some good monologues in there too. Currently I'm reading "Bug" by Tracy Letts, the same guy who wrote "August: Osage County". It's interesting....I don't know if I like it or not yet. But so far this program has been a success! Hopefully I continue on and read every play known to man...not really though