The difference between a cow and a bean is that a bean can begin an adventure!

So, I'm in a much more optimistic place than I was last time. Things have turned around and I guess worked out better than I could have imagined. Funny how life turns out that way, huh?

I just recently participated in a staged reading of a play called "Sullied Flesh" by Margie. It wasn't anything fancy; we had our scripts in hand and just did basic blocking, but it was amazing. The part I read for is basically a female version of Hamlet. I feel bad because I really didn't do the part the justice it deserves, but I think I did well for only two rehearsals. I would have loved to play the role in an actual production. And one thing I've told Margie before is that I don't know if it's just crazy timing or what, but the parts that I play in her shows coincide with what I'm feeling and going through at that exact moment in my life. So a lot of what I do isn't really acting, it's almost like me going through therapy onstage lol. It happened during "Phallus Pan" and it happened during the staged reading. I don't know if it's necessarily a bad thing what happens...I guess not really if you get truth in the end, which is what I think happens. There was one specific part of the script that hit me most; it's a part where my character finally gets to "talk" with God, which is the whole reason why she goes through traveling to Mars and going to a monastery to write a play. The writing is so simple yet so poignant and it's the exact things I want to say to God if I could have a conversation with him. I actually cried the last night we did it because I feel so frustrated with the whole religion thing and I have no idea what I truly believe in anymore. But I guess that's good because for me it was complete and utter truth, so hopefully it came across that way on stage.

And onto other good news...I got cast in "Children of a Lesser God"!!! It almost totally makes up for not getting cast in the main season because it's one of my dream shows. I read the script when I was a sophomore in high school and fell in love because of the sign language in it. And now I get to play a dream role of mine, and I'm ecstatic. I'm also completely petrified of what lies ahead. I have so much research that I have to do and soooooooooooooooooooooooo much signing I have to learn. I sign the entire show and I'm just at the level of an elementary school student. I have to eventually get to the point where I'm signing at the rate that dear people would sign at. It's a daunting task but I am willing to put in all the hours to do it. I know I've been saying this a lot in my blogs, but this will be my most challenging role yet. But I am looking forward to this unique experience because not only will it be so fulfilling as an actor but if I can nail it it'll show others that I can do more than comedy. I can have range people!

I also have "A Night with Beaver" scenes going on in between everything AND auditions for the one-acts are coming up. I want to squeeze in as much acting opportunities as possible! Along with directing scenes and period styles I probably will lose my mind some point...I might self-destruct before my 21st birthday but I don't care because by god it is theatre and I love it!

Hey guys it's me, the biggest disappointment you know...

So, sorry for the lack of posting. The last couple of weeks have been a pain in the ass. I've been slacking off on my duties to myself on self-reflecting, so here goes...

Auditions came and went and I got nothing. It's so exhausting going from pure joy from getting called back to all three shows (which is a first for me) and then finding out you didn't get cast. I haven't had to experience that feeling in a looooooong time. I think the last time I didn't make a show was my sophomore year of high school when I auditioned for CATS. Which I guess is a pretty good track record, it just sucks major balls right now. I just finished an amazing summer of getting to play three great roles in 3 months, and now it's like I'm at square one all over again. I'm all for learning in the classroom, but it really doesn't compare to learning on stage through creating a role. And I guess I'm just disappointed in myself really. I thought I did really well at general auditions, but apparently I just didn't get the job done at callbacks. And I know they say "You can't beat yourself up about it. It's based on who melds together. You tried your best" blah blah blah. I feel like if I did my best and I was good enough then looks and melding wouldn't matter because I could act around that. But I didn't, and it's reflected on it.

I know rejection is a part of the biz, but it still hurts. I went through a period in my early "career" when I was like 12 years old and I auditioned for like 3 or 4 shows in a row and didn't get cast. It was devastating. Now I still feel like that 12 year old not getting cast. It's so frustrating when you know you can act the shit out of a role, but they just won't give you a chance. And now all this talk I've been having about going off to try this acting thing professionally and grad school seems silly now because I can't even make a show now. What makes me think I can go off somewhere and do well in the industry? Not making a show makes me question my goals and my abilities so much that it makes me sick. I feel so empty not having a show to look forward to.

Now that my pity party is done, I have to focus on the future. I get these feelings in waves. Especially when people start talking about rehearsals and costume fittings...I really just try and tune it out not to be rude, but because I know if I listen I'll get depressed. Not trying to get too personal here, but I am truly afraid I'm heading in that direction. I think I've talked about this earlier, but I've suffered real-time depression once in my life, and it was no fun at all. I'm just worried that everything that has happened this past month might push me over the edge. That's why theatre is so important to me right now. I need something to fill the hole inside, at least for a little while. But I have other projects that I'm hoping can do that for me. The community theatre in town is doing "Children of a Lesser God", which is one of my dream shows to be in because the lead female role does all sign. I am hoping and praying to get cast because the role would be a new challenge for me; I couldn't talk the entire show and would have to rely on signing and body language. It would be an amazing experience and I hope I get to be a part of it. EAT is also doing more shows in November, so I hope I get to be a big part of that as well.

So, things aren't all bad. I've always had a roller coaster relationship with theatre, so it was about time that it started going downhill. I've had a lot of success so I guess I needed a humbling experience to make me work harder and focus more. And that's what I'm going to do for the next couple of months. I'm going to work outside of the department, I'm going to read every play on the undergrad reading list before the end of the semester, and I'm going to stay as involved as I can without technically being in a show. I'm going to stay positive about this, but please send good thoughts my way to keep this outlook for as long as possible.