Mother cannot guide you, now you're on your own...

So, sorry to say, this blog is going to die for a while...probably permanently. Sad day I know, BUT there is hope!

http://actor365.blogspot.com/

^^^^^^That my friends, is my new year's resolution. My new blog. Check it out. Basically the same as this, except it will be 365 posts! Check it out to find out about it!

No witness, no weakness, and no regrets

Learning a part for a play is hard. You have to learn lines, blocking, cues, etc. and at the same time create this real and viable character. Some people succeed where most do not. To me, it's 50/50 chance of acheiving this. It not only depends on the work you put in, but a lot of it is just the situation at hand. Chance plays a big role, direction, fellow actors, sets, costumes, timing...there are so many other factors that play into the other 50%. So, needless to say, creating a role for a show is a huge undertaking.

Now imagine having to do all of that in a completely different language.

Thus is "Children of a Lesser God".

We basically have to learn a completely different language in 6 weeks and perform a show with the same character development and truth and honesty while still worrying about all the other outside factors. It's a difficult task that many have told us (to our faces) was impossible. Yet we are crazy enough to try and attempt it. I think we are doing fairly well right now. Thankfully the second language I'm learning is ASL because that was my foreign language in high school, so I came in knowing quite a bit more than the average person. I'm getting it down pretty well. I know 87% of Act 1 and am learning Act 2 right now. We finished learning all of the signing for the show, so now we are at the next step up which is implementing them while developing our characters.

So needless to say I'm very stressed. "A Night with Beaver" is opening tomorrow too, which I'm not really stressed about but I will be thankful when I have one less thing to worry about. They are turning out a lot better than I thought. And I'm sooooooo glad I got bumped up to The Old Woman in "the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe" because that is a character actress's dream part. I've gone way over the top with roles before, but this takes the cake, and I absolutely love that. I get to basically lose my mind onstage. I'm not satisfied with my performance unless I walk backstage after the scene and am gasping for breath. Then I'll accept it.

Well, back to the grind. A mental breakdown may be coming soon, we shall see.

Anything you do let it come from, give us more to see

I have some free time, so I figure instead of doing homework I'll update!

Things have gotten incredibly busy, which surprises the hell out of me. When I didn't get cast in the main season I figured I would be ridden with waaaaaay too much free time. Now I'm lucky if I can find time to eat a meal. I absolutely love it though. I'm getting so many different types of experiences and not only acting experience. That's right! I'm finally dabbling in the world of directing! I have to do some directing scenes for my class and right now I'm working on my dramatic scene. I'm directing "Dog Sees God" by Bert V. Royal. The script is a dramedy I guess you could say and the scene I'm doing isn't all drama. There's some comedy stuck in there. But the overall mood is dramatic. I really like directing. I dabbled in it a little bit during high school, but my knowledge about it was very limited. Now I have an arsenal of information that I can pull from. And one of the best feelings is giving direction and not only seeing them successful with it but doing even better than you hoped for! It's such a mama bear feeling when I talk about directing. Even when we directed open scenes during class I felt that way. We were given scripts with no setting or description and we had to create everything ourselves. My scene went so incredibly well, and I think it was one of the best of the entire class. I sat there in awe and wonder thinking if I couldn't act this would be the second best thing to do. I was so proud!

I never really considered directing to be in my future, but now that I think about it it's more of a viable option. I first and foremost want to act of course, but directing would still be fun to do. I hope I can find a voice for myself as a director. Maybe I'll try for more directing positions in the future. Who knows.

On the acting side things are going well. "Children of a Lesser God" is going....just going, lol. It's sooooo incredibly difficult because I have to learn the signing a little bit at a time, and that wouldn't be a big issue if I didn't have to sign the entire show! Those are my lines! So I feel fake and awkward trying to make up signs when I don't know them. I know almost all of the signs for Act 1 so it's coming along. I just don't want character thrown to the side because the signing is so important to learn. Argggg! haha. But I'm working my ass off on it, so I'm confident that the product will be good.

I've also got Planned Parenthood scenes and clusterfuck one acts going on too. I love it that I seem to be given the huge multiple page monologues in almost every show I do. I don't mind at all because for me it's easier to learn long monologues than just normal dialogue. But I absolutely love it.

More on my future acting escapades later...

The difference between a cow and a bean is that a bean can begin an adventure!

So, I'm in a much more optimistic place than I was last time. Things have turned around and I guess worked out better than I could have imagined. Funny how life turns out that way, huh?

I just recently participated in a staged reading of a play called "Sullied Flesh" by Margie. It wasn't anything fancy; we had our scripts in hand and just did basic blocking, but it was amazing. The part I read for is basically a female version of Hamlet. I feel bad because I really didn't do the part the justice it deserves, but I think I did well for only two rehearsals. I would have loved to play the role in an actual production. And one thing I've told Margie before is that I don't know if it's just crazy timing or what, but the parts that I play in her shows coincide with what I'm feeling and going through at that exact moment in my life. So a lot of what I do isn't really acting, it's almost like me going through therapy onstage lol. It happened during "Phallus Pan" and it happened during the staged reading. I don't know if it's necessarily a bad thing what happens...I guess not really if you get truth in the end, which is what I think happens. There was one specific part of the script that hit me most; it's a part where my character finally gets to "talk" with God, which is the whole reason why she goes through traveling to Mars and going to a monastery to write a play. The writing is so simple yet so poignant and it's the exact things I want to say to God if I could have a conversation with him. I actually cried the last night we did it because I feel so frustrated with the whole religion thing and I have no idea what I truly believe in anymore. But I guess that's good because for me it was complete and utter truth, so hopefully it came across that way on stage.

And onto other good news...I got cast in "Children of a Lesser God"!!! It almost totally makes up for not getting cast in the main season because it's one of my dream shows. I read the script when I was a sophomore in high school and fell in love because of the sign language in it. And now I get to play a dream role of mine, and I'm ecstatic. I'm also completely petrified of what lies ahead. I have so much research that I have to do and soooooooooooooooooooooooo much signing I have to learn. I sign the entire show and I'm just at the level of an elementary school student. I have to eventually get to the point where I'm signing at the rate that dear people would sign at. It's a daunting task but I am willing to put in all the hours to do it. I know I've been saying this a lot in my blogs, but this will be my most challenging role yet. But I am looking forward to this unique experience because not only will it be so fulfilling as an actor but if I can nail it it'll show others that I can do more than comedy. I can have range people!

I also have "A Night with Beaver" scenes going on in between everything AND auditions for the one-acts are coming up. I want to squeeze in as much acting opportunities as possible! Along with directing scenes and period styles I probably will lose my mind some point...I might self-destruct before my 21st birthday but I don't care because by god it is theatre and I love it!

Hey guys it's me, the biggest disappointment you know...

So, sorry for the lack of posting. The last couple of weeks have been a pain in the ass. I've been slacking off on my duties to myself on self-reflecting, so here goes...

Auditions came and went and I got nothing. It's so exhausting going from pure joy from getting called back to all three shows (which is a first for me) and then finding out you didn't get cast. I haven't had to experience that feeling in a looooooong time. I think the last time I didn't make a show was my sophomore year of high school when I auditioned for CATS. Which I guess is a pretty good track record, it just sucks major balls right now. I just finished an amazing summer of getting to play three great roles in 3 months, and now it's like I'm at square one all over again. I'm all for learning in the classroom, but it really doesn't compare to learning on stage through creating a role. And I guess I'm just disappointed in myself really. I thought I did really well at general auditions, but apparently I just didn't get the job done at callbacks. And I know they say "You can't beat yourself up about it. It's based on who melds together. You tried your best" blah blah blah. I feel like if I did my best and I was good enough then looks and melding wouldn't matter because I could act around that. But I didn't, and it's reflected on it.

I know rejection is a part of the biz, but it still hurts. I went through a period in my early "career" when I was like 12 years old and I auditioned for like 3 or 4 shows in a row and didn't get cast. It was devastating. Now I still feel like that 12 year old not getting cast. It's so frustrating when you know you can act the shit out of a role, but they just won't give you a chance. And now all this talk I've been having about going off to try this acting thing professionally and grad school seems silly now because I can't even make a show now. What makes me think I can go off somewhere and do well in the industry? Not making a show makes me question my goals and my abilities so much that it makes me sick. I feel so empty not having a show to look forward to.

Now that my pity party is done, I have to focus on the future. I get these feelings in waves. Especially when people start talking about rehearsals and costume fittings...I really just try and tune it out not to be rude, but because I know if I listen I'll get depressed. Not trying to get too personal here, but I am truly afraid I'm heading in that direction. I think I've talked about this earlier, but I've suffered real-time depression once in my life, and it was no fun at all. I'm just worried that everything that has happened this past month might push me over the edge. That's why theatre is so important to me right now. I need something to fill the hole inside, at least for a little while. But I have other projects that I'm hoping can do that for me. The community theatre in town is doing "Children of a Lesser God", which is one of my dream shows to be in because the lead female role does all sign. I am hoping and praying to get cast because the role would be a new challenge for me; I couldn't talk the entire show and would have to rely on signing and body language. It would be an amazing experience and I hope I get to be a part of it. EAT is also doing more shows in November, so I hope I get to be a big part of that as well.

So, things aren't all bad. I've always had a roller coaster relationship with theatre, so it was about time that it started going downhill. I've had a lot of success so I guess I needed a humbling experience to make me work harder and focus more. And that's what I'm going to do for the next couple of months. I'm going to work outside of the department, I'm going to read every play on the undergrad reading list before the end of the semester, and I'm going to stay as involved as I can without technically being in a show. I'm going to stay positive about this, but please send good thoughts my way to keep this outlook for as long as possible.

Words, words, words!

So, "Phallus Pan" is coming to a close tonight, and it's time for some of my closing night reflection and bullshit. haha

Last night we had two performances in one night, one at 8pm and one at 12pm/am. It took a lot out of me. Doing just one show full out drains the hell out of me, but doing two shows almost killed me. I slept like a baby today. But it's also interesting because the dynamic of the midnight show was very strange. I don't know if it was because of the time or the audience or the actors or what, but it seemed to be a different show when we performed it. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, it was just different from previous performances. It was fun to play up the awkwardness too, because with each scene it kept growing and growing and I don't think they realized what would happen next. I got a little frustrated with them because they weren't as vocal with the funny bits, and I was working my ass off, but to no avail. But it's all good, sometimes they just won't respond to it. But I don't see how people can survive doing two shows a day. I guess it's a lot easier when it's a matinee and night performance rather than a night and into the early morning hours one, lol

Also, during the run of the show, we've had much opposition. There is apparently a person out there who has so much hatred and his or her....no, "its" heart that it feels the need to not only attack the show and some of the actors, but to even go outside of Limelight and attack actors not involved. I don't understand how a person could feel so much animosity towards a piece of theatre. If you don't like it, then don't come see it. It's that simple. And I guess if it offends you so much, then sure you can talk about how you don't like it. It's freedom of speech baby. But don't make any comments on a play if you've never seen it. That's plain ignorance. And when you personally attack people, that's when you've crossed the line. I don't know if we will ever truly figure out who "it" is, but I hope they realize what a coward they are and that they do not deserve to be involved in such a great art form as the theatre. I hope they end up working in some lowly job in a deserted town and have no friends. So pooh on you!

This show has been such an amazing experience for me. Like I've said before, I've never had a part like this, so it's allowed me to work on a different type of character with an extremely well developed path. People have come up to me and told me that my character was the most well developed one in the whole show, and while it's nice to hear that, I can only partially take credit for it. The playwright is the main reason Wendy is such a badass character. Without her genius on the page, I'd be nothing. But I've also been proud of the path I've discovered for Wendy and with the direction and words on the page, the combination of all three have developed into this really great character. And this is the first time I've worked with an original script and specifically with a part that was written for me. It makes me feel good that the playwright felt I could handle this role and all the shit that goes with it. And I love Wendy so much. I mean, there's a 99% chance that I would never get to be the rapER and not the rapEE. I absolutely love that. I've had the chance to do things that I've never done on stage before, so my next role will never be as amazingly frighteningly awesome as this. It's been a shitty last couple of weeks, but this show and these people have gotten me through it. And what better way to recuperate from a traumatic experience than to do it through theatre. I couldn't ask for better timing.

So, here's to the "death of theatre" and "Phallus Pan". It was a great experience! Amazing show, amazing cast, amazing role, amazing playwright, amazing director...I couldn't ask for anything more!

Let our show by the rice krispie treat!

So, opening weekend for "Phallus Pan" has come and gone, and it was great! Minus Friday night, we had excellent audiences considering a ton of people are still away for the summer. On opening night we sold out completely and had to turn people away. That's a really great feeling.

I think I've been doing pretty well with this show. As I said before, everything has sort of clicked together recently, and I've been able to connect with the emotional side of Wendy. I know I went through a different experience, but feeling all that pain and anger made it easier to relate to Wendy and all of her pain. I'm going to say, and I don't want it to come off cocky or self-indulgent, but I truly believe the final scene of Pan is my best work thus far in theatre. I don't think I'm giving my best performance in the overall show; there are certain parts that give me shit all the time and I kick myself for it. You know when you're acting and in the moment and everything...and then you suddenly lose it and you think "Well fuck, where did it go". That happens to me sometimes during the show, but all I can do is focus and try and bounce back. But, the final scene is so powerful and beautifully written....and I think it's one of those things where every aspect just falls into place. I feel so much during that scene, and believe me it is truth down to the very core. It takes me about 10 minutes to get out of it. Thankfully with the audience I talk to them afterwards which makes the process speed up, but you should have seen me at our final dress when we were getting notes after the run-through. It was like my whole family had died at that moment because I was so depressed and quiet and blah.

And I know I've talked about the audience and it's affect on me before, but this one instance this weekend just pissed me off. On Friday we had a small audience, which didn't bother me, but they were sooooo not into it. They laughed periodically throughout the show, but it was until the last scene where they got very vocal. And I will admit, there are parts of the last scene that are funny. But this audience laughed during my monologue and the rape and the final moment. I was enraged when I finished the scene. There I am, basically pouring my heart out and being metaphorically naked onstage....and you're laughing at me?!?!? There is nothing funny about my monologue. KJSJKDKDDSOD! I know they didn't intentionally do that to spite me, but it still frustrated me to no end. I guess it's different strokes for different folks.

I've started working on my monologues for auditions coming up for the fall semester at Tech. It's weird because the past two auditions I've been to I didn't have to worry about being cast in a show. Summer Rep needed like a bajillion girls and for Pan they planned on using everybody who auditioned. Now it's the big time audition with cattle calls and monologues and faculty directors....I'm scared shitless. I've picked out two really great monologues though that I think will show my range more than I have before. I still have that worry that I wont make anything. That's probably one of my greatest fears...not doing theatre. And it sucks because there's nothing you can do about it. It just depends on who fits where and looks the part. There's a lot of great actors that don't get cast because of random reasons. I just hope I can continue my streak of great roles.