“I regard the theatre as the most immediate way in which a human being can share with another the sense of what it is to be a human being"-Oscar Wilde

I find it funny that as soon as I write about my frustration with direction and finding some honesty with my acting, I have an amazing rehearsal that trumps all that. The director that I am working with right now is meeting all of my expectations and then some. But the thing that is making me just go completely gaga over it all is that he is pointing out my acting flaws. He will tell me when I make a weird face or if I'm not doing enough vocal variation or if I'm not diving deep enough into the character during the scenes. And it's funny because before he'll tell me what I did he will always say "I'm sorry to point this out" or "Don't worry about it, but..." or something along those lines, like I'll get offended by it. And yes, while it's frustrating that I'm doing those things, I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LOVE IT!!! Call me out on my shit! Please do! I think I'm at the point in my life and acting "career" (and I use the term loosely, believe me) where I can take one hit after another. List all the bad things that I'm doing, and it will just fuel me to try harder and get it the next time. If you would have done this to me when I was in high school, I probably would have taken it but cried backstage afterwards. I guess now that I've had more experience in the theatre and have pretty much felt every self-conscious emotion I can...I know the best and worst things about myself. No one can really point out anything about me that I haven't already scrutinized. So, if it's something going on in a scene that i can fix, then it's all the better because I CAN fix it eventually. Half the fight is just being aware of it, so I'm 50% done before I even try to fix it.

So anyway it was a fulfilling experience. I left the rehearsal so rejuvenated, even though I had a list of things thrown at me. I don't know if my director will realize how much I appreciate it, since honest directing comes so few and far between. I'll have to let him know so he won't think I take it in the wrong way and continue it with other actors so they can grow as much as I have.

And the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I've grown since my high school theatre days. I cringe when I think about my past shows because my characters were all so surface. They had the potential, and I had potential, but it is no where near where I want to be. And I don't think I've ever gotten a character 100%, or a show for that matter. I just read an interview with the musical theatre guru Raul Esparza who said that the best advice Stephen Sondheim told him was that you will never get a character completely right...but that also means you will never get it completely wrong either; the goal is to keep trying at it. And I feel that way all the time. I'm never completely satisfied after finishing a show because I know I could have done better. And as I grow as an actor, I look back on my previous work and wonder "What the hell was I thinking?!?! How could I think that was good?!?!"

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm happy with the progression that I'm making. I know it's nowhere near where I want to be...and who knows if I'll ever get there! But I'm developing characters more thoroughly and trying to live their lives as truthfully as I can.

“Acting is a question of absorbing other people's personalities and adding some of your own experience.” -Jean-Paul Sartre

So, doing a character analysis thingy on here helped a lot last time with "Cabin Fever", so I figure I'll do one for "Phallus Pan" since Wendy is as complicated, if not more than Pidge. I apologize in advance if this isn't as "insightful" about acting in general as the other posts. This one is pretty much just for me, so deal with it. Here goes nothing.

Wendy goes through a lot of shit through the course of the show. She starts off right after her father's funeral. So, pre-show, I see Wendy as having a pretty average life. I kind of see Wendy growing up in a family like mine, but maybe a little more eccentric. Wendy and Michael probably grew up in middle-class, white, suburban America. We know that both of the parents are dead, so I imagine that the mother died a good while before the father. I see Wendy as around my age, possibly a little bit younger, so I would say the mother died probably when Wendy was 12 or 13. The mother was the organized runner of the house while the father was off being his eccentric self. With her death, I see Wendy starting to take some control of the responsibilities to help her dad out and keep Michael in line since he was younger. I don't imagine that she was bossy when she first started, but as the years went on I see it taking a toll on Wendy to where she transformed into this stuffy, anal retentive, mother wannabe. I'm sure Michael was fed up having his sister trying to act like his mother. With the death of her father, I think Wendy kind of goes into hyper-drive, trying to take the place of the mother and father. While Michael might be annoyed by her type-A personality, I believe that he and Wendy have a very close relationship. You can see throughout the play that Michael constantly worries about Wendy and her safety while Wendy goes on her journey through Neverland and trying to find herself. Wendy cares about Michael as well, and since she's been the stand in mother for so long, she probably sees him in more of the son manner than anything.

So, this is how Wendy starts off the play. And while she is playing the mother-y role, in the real world she's very uptight about it. She's not the lovey dovey mom type, she's the hardcore organized "We have to be perfect" type. And so through the process of meeting Pan and Tink and arriving in Neverland, she is very hesitant about it the whole time. She's not one for trying new experiences, so she's very stand-offish towards the whole idea. Once waking up in Neverland, she encounters something she's not used to. There are people who want her help and are asking to be their mother. That's something she never got in the real world. She has all this pain and regret dealing with her parents' deaths and trying to raise Michael at the same time; yet in this fantasy world she doesn't have to deal with any of it, and she can create this family that was all but obliterated by the real world. I also think it's at this moment where she falls in love with Phallus Pan, because he is so enchanting and mysterious, and he kind of encourages their relationship by putting himself as the father and Wendy as the mother. So, Wendy decides to leave her past behind in the real world, and accept her new life in Neverland with her new family.

Then we have this weird transformation that Wendy goes through during the middle of the play. She fully embraces the mother role, and she enjoys it a great deal. Then, something within her just snaps and she sort of abuses her role as the mother and turns it dirty. I think since she took care of her family in the real world for so long, she didn't have time to go out and have fun and possibly fool around. Seeing the anatomy of the boys just turned something on with her hormones and she goes crazy. Again, at first she tries to deny this new experience, but then it just gets too much and she gives in. This is the point in the play where things change completely, and through the introduction of sex to the Lost Boys, this domino affect occurs eventually bringing on the destruction of Neverland.

And then again she puts herself in the same situation, just with another Lost Boy. She abuses her mother standing and gives into her sexual frustration. I think Wendy has this ignorance towards her actions in Neverland. In the real world she was calm and collected, but in Neverland she's letting her emotions get the best of her. And she doesn't realize how her actions are affecting this fantasy world. When she gets captured by Tiger Lilly, this becomes the moment of realization for Wendy. She' so stuck on her love for Pan and taking care of the Lost Boys that when Tiger Lilly snaps her out of it, Wendy finally realizes what she's been doing. She remembers the death of her father, and the fact that she's basically abandoned Michael. She doesn't go completely back to the way she was, because her life has changed forever through this experience, but she becomes determined to save her new family and take them out of this place.

She finally destroys the thing that keeps Phallus Pan and the Lost Boys on Neverland, and wants to take them all back home. Through the final scene she reveals her love for Pan, and attempts to get Pan to go home with them and start a family in the real world. When Pan refuses, they battle it out. Wendy has this great monologue towards the end when she tells Pan what she really learned in Neverland, basically about avoiding your pain and dealing with it in all the wrong ways. Finally she becomes victorious, and through a series of events leaves Neverland with Pan.

Wendy goes through this crazy ass journey. And I thought about reading the original Peter Pan play or watching the movie to get inspiration, but I thought no this time. In this instance, this part was written with me in mind, so really this is a perfect example of finding a bit of you in the character. I've felt these feelings that Wendy has felt, and the best way of portraying them is to just know what they are and experience them as if I were for the first time.

Work is what you do for others, art is what you do for yourself

Due to the fact that life is life and I have yet to find a big girl job, the posts have been limited. But I am hopefully finding a job next week, and rehearsals are well under way for Phallus Pan, so hopefully I'll be able to post more. Now this blog will be all over the place, but hopefully the general message will get across.

I, Christina Jones, am not the perfect actor. My life would be so much easier if I were, and I sure as hell would not be residing in Lubbock, Texas that's for sure. The reason I am in Lubbock, Texas and at Texas Tech is because I want to learn everything I can about acting. I want to learn as much as possible about my craft so that I can be the best that I can be. That's one of the reasons that I transferred to Tech; I wanted to go to a major university so I could have the chance to learn and have more opportunities compared to smaller universities in the area. After being in the theatre program at Tech for a year, I feel like I can form my own opinions about the program itself, specifically dealing with learning more about the craft.

I feel like you can't improve on something if you don't know what you're doing wrong. If you're baking a cake, and it comes out tasting shitty, it's helpful to know if you measure the wrong amount of flour or turned the oven temperature up too high; otherwise you have no idea how to fix that damn cake! I see acting in the same light. In order to improve and get to the level of, let's say Meryl Streep, I have to know if I keep doing the same gesture or make a weird face sometimes. I try to stay aware of these things while acting, but it's hard to notice some nuances because I have no idea that I'm doing it. There's only so much I can do before an outside force needs to intervene. This is why the greatest actors in the world still have acting coaches, because they constantly need someone else to help them work on their craft.

This is the problem that I've encountered. I think I've reached a point where I need a lot of outside observers. Before Tech, I pretty much taught myself how to act through trial and error. I learned very basic things like blocking and opening up and projecting and etc., and through working in many, many shows I've taught myself basic acting concepts. I've never had any true acting instruction. Now, after coming to Tech, I'm learning about acting techniques, but in a very general manner.

But the thing that frustrates me the most is that I'm not being told what I'm doing wrong. Oh sure, I've gotten some notes on what to improve on during shows, but no one has come outright and said "Hey, that doesn't work" or "Quit moving your hands like that". It's like people are afraid to give a bad critique. It's so frustrating because I know I'm doing many things wrong, but no one will tell me! If I have a weird tick, tell me so I don't look like a dumb ass on stage! I just want someone to be completely honest with me and tell me what I need to work on. It might suck at first, but I can take it. I want to be able to work on it and get better.

This is my biggest critique of the Tech theatre department right now. And sometimes I feel like a phony because I have this figurative bag of tricks that I pull stuff out of. I'm trying to discover new aspects of acting, but without some guidance I'm pretty much screwed. I don't want to be pigeon holed as one type of character because I can't get decent instruction. It's not fair for me, or anyone else involved.

I act, therefore...I'm broke!

I've decided that I hate read-throughs. I know that it's necessary to do because it's the first time going through the play with the specific actors and their respective parts. And it gives the director (and in the case playwright) a chance to hear how it reads and come up with ideas for the show. I get all that.

I still hate them with a fiery passion!!!

I'm just not good with read-throughs. I feel so fake when reading it because it doesn't feel real. I feel like I'm reading aloud some book that I found interesting. I'm the type of person who needs to put the words into action so I can find some meaning behind them. Just sitting there and reading the play...I feel like a phony. And I also wonder if people are judging me by this...which mortifies me even more. I'm doing a play for the first time with this theatre group, and I have a pretty substantial part, so I feel like I need to prove myself. And if they judge me by this crappy read-through then I'm doomed.

With that being said, I'm really nervous about this one. Wendy is going to be a bitch of a role. Not only do I have the most lines, but just the character is completely different than what I've played before. Which I know is good because I always want to reinvent myself as an actor. But it's also frightening because I'm going through uncharted territory. I just really hope I can do the role justice and not completely suck. That would be nice.

On a completely different note....I wish I was at the point in my life where theatre could be my real-time job. Right now, since I'm in school, theatre is kind of the prize of the day. It's the "if you're lucky you might get the chance to do this once in a while" while I have to look for a big girl job. I want to do theatre for money. I want to get paid for doing what I love doing. I wish it could be that simple, but I have the sneaking suspicion that it won't happen for a while...if ever. Why can't I live in a bigger town that pays you to act? Why do I have to pay $1500 to be able to act over the summer? Will I ever get to that point? These are the thoughts that go through my head.

Whelp, I can't do much about it now. Unless Lubbock magically gets bigger, I will be stuck in my predicament. I think this is just an excuse not to work at a boring 9-5 job...or because I'm lazy....sometimes

“...easier to follow the author’s intention and to see, if not the answers to his questions, at least what the questions are that he is asking.”

That quote, cut for space, was made by Martin Esslin in the book "The Theatre of the Absurd" which is now on my wish list of theatre books I want.

So, during this week, I really wanted to take some time off from theatre. Really just to recoup and get ready for Pan. So I wasn't going to read anything or do anything really theatre-y. Then I got this invitation for a sort of mini-RROAPS for the Limelight Theatre. They are looking for one-act scripts for a possible production of a "night of one-acts" that they would produce in the fall. I thought to myself "Neat. This would be really awesome if I were a playwright!" and went on with my day. Then, my house mates/theatre people started encouraging me to write something, so I thought if I could come up with something interesting, I'll sit down and try to write a play out. Then an idea just hit me, randomly, while watching TV. And that's when this whole debacle started.

I got an idea for a short play with absurdist themes. And I wanted to be inspired, so I started watching/reading "Waiting for Godot" by Samuel Beckett. Now, I read this play when I was a junior in high school, and I will admit at the time I thought it was crap and didn't make sense. Now, as I come to a better understanding of theatre and start to appreciate it more, I really see the genius of it. How a "play about nothing" can still make you sit at the edge of your seat wondering "Who is this damn Godot?!?" But I digress...

So after finishing that, I wanted to learn more about the play and it's meanings, which led me to reading about Theatre of the Absurd, which led to me reading a good chunk of the book mentioned above. I'm so fascinated by it all. All the philosophies and ideals within it are very interesting. And, after reading a lot about it, it makes me a happier and more optimistic theatre-goer. Now I don't have to look at every piece of theatre and think "What's the meaning behind this" Sometimes I can just sit back and say "Maybe it is as it is". And I also love the idea that language really isn't that important. We rely so much on it nowadays in theatre, but really it doesn't mean a damn thing. I saw this a lot during the Pintor scenes some of my fellow students did for our final scene in Principles of Acting II. There are whole plays where the language is there, but it doesn't mean anything. You could basically throw it out the window and create a new diaglogue just with phsyical acting. I want to read more about theatre of the absurd.

After reading about all of that, I decided to go on with my original idea. But for some reason I got sidetracked, and came up with another idea just based off of premises of different plays/movies that I haven't read/seen. I know that's probably awful, but I guess you take your ideas as they come, eh?

So last night I just took this idea and started to write. And today I finished the script. All 13 pages. In all it's glory. I've popped my playwriting cherry! And, I'm not gonna lie, I think for my first one it's actually ok. I don't think it's completely awful. I know it's not Ionesco or Beckett, but I like it. Now, the hard part, is showing it to other people and hearing the critiques. I'm most nervous about that. I can take acting critiques because I 'm confident in my ability to hear the critique and adjust myself to become better. For playwriting...I don't know what the hell I'm doing!!! I've never done this before, never taken a class, never heard simple tips to writing a play...well except maybe Aristotles 6 aspects of a well-made play...but that all goes out the window with absurd theatre!

BUT, yes, I am nervous. I'm not the best writer in the world, or the most prolific, as you can read here. But I've got some great ideas of what I think might be good plays. And, who knows, maybe this playwriting thing will turn out well. Or I could just be writing shit like the 1,000's of other playwrights out there. Who knows!