“I regard the theatre as the most immediate way in which a human being can share with another the sense of what it is to be a human being"-Oscar Wilde

I find it funny that as soon as I write about my frustration with direction and finding some honesty with my acting, I have an amazing rehearsal that trumps all that. The director that I am working with right now is meeting all of my expectations and then some. But the thing that is making me just go completely gaga over it all is that he is pointing out my acting flaws. He will tell me when I make a weird face or if I'm not doing enough vocal variation or if I'm not diving deep enough into the character during the scenes. And it's funny because before he'll tell me what I did he will always say "I'm sorry to point this out" or "Don't worry about it, but..." or something along those lines, like I'll get offended by it. And yes, while it's frustrating that I'm doing those things, I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LOVE IT!!! Call me out on my shit! Please do! I think I'm at the point in my life and acting "career" (and I use the term loosely, believe me) where I can take one hit after another. List all the bad things that I'm doing, and it will just fuel me to try harder and get it the next time. If you would have done this to me when I was in high school, I probably would have taken it but cried backstage afterwards. I guess now that I've had more experience in the theatre and have pretty much felt every self-conscious emotion I can...I know the best and worst things about myself. No one can really point out anything about me that I haven't already scrutinized. So, if it's something going on in a scene that i can fix, then it's all the better because I CAN fix it eventually. Half the fight is just being aware of it, so I'm 50% done before I even try to fix it.

So anyway it was a fulfilling experience. I left the rehearsal so rejuvenated, even though I had a list of things thrown at me. I don't know if my director will realize how much I appreciate it, since honest directing comes so few and far between. I'll have to let him know so he won't think I take it in the wrong way and continue it with other actors so they can grow as much as I have.

And the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I've grown since my high school theatre days. I cringe when I think about my past shows because my characters were all so surface. They had the potential, and I had potential, but it is no where near where I want to be. And I don't think I've ever gotten a character 100%, or a show for that matter. I just read an interview with the musical theatre guru Raul Esparza who said that the best advice Stephen Sondheim told him was that you will never get a character completely right...but that also means you will never get it completely wrong either; the goal is to keep trying at it. And I feel that way all the time. I'm never completely satisfied after finishing a show because I know I could have done better. And as I grow as an actor, I look back on my previous work and wonder "What the hell was I thinking?!?! How could I think that was good?!?!"

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm happy with the progression that I'm making. I know it's nowhere near where I want to be...and who knows if I'll ever get there! But I'm developing characters more thoroughly and trying to live their lives as truthfully as I can.