No witness, no weakness, and no regrets

Learning a part for a play is hard. You have to learn lines, blocking, cues, etc. and at the same time create this real and viable character. Some people succeed where most do not. To me, it's 50/50 chance of acheiving this. It not only depends on the work you put in, but a lot of it is just the situation at hand. Chance plays a big role, direction, fellow actors, sets, costumes, timing...there are so many other factors that play into the other 50%. So, needless to say, creating a role for a show is a huge undertaking.

Now imagine having to do all of that in a completely different language.

Thus is "Children of a Lesser God".

We basically have to learn a completely different language in 6 weeks and perform a show with the same character development and truth and honesty while still worrying about all the other outside factors. It's a difficult task that many have told us (to our faces) was impossible. Yet we are crazy enough to try and attempt it. I think we are doing fairly well right now. Thankfully the second language I'm learning is ASL because that was my foreign language in high school, so I came in knowing quite a bit more than the average person. I'm getting it down pretty well. I know 87% of Act 1 and am learning Act 2 right now. We finished learning all of the signing for the show, so now we are at the next step up which is implementing them while developing our characters.

So needless to say I'm very stressed. "A Night with Beaver" is opening tomorrow too, which I'm not really stressed about but I will be thankful when I have one less thing to worry about. They are turning out a lot better than I thought. And I'm sooooooo glad I got bumped up to The Old Woman in "the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe" because that is a character actress's dream part. I've gone way over the top with roles before, but this takes the cake, and I absolutely love that. I get to basically lose my mind onstage. I'm not satisfied with my performance unless I walk backstage after the scene and am gasping for breath. Then I'll accept it.

Well, back to the grind. A mental breakdown may be coming soon, we shall see.

Anything you do let it come from, give us more to see

I have some free time, so I figure instead of doing homework I'll update!

Things have gotten incredibly busy, which surprises the hell out of me. When I didn't get cast in the main season I figured I would be ridden with waaaaaay too much free time. Now I'm lucky if I can find time to eat a meal. I absolutely love it though. I'm getting so many different types of experiences and not only acting experience. That's right! I'm finally dabbling in the world of directing! I have to do some directing scenes for my class and right now I'm working on my dramatic scene. I'm directing "Dog Sees God" by Bert V. Royal. The script is a dramedy I guess you could say and the scene I'm doing isn't all drama. There's some comedy stuck in there. But the overall mood is dramatic. I really like directing. I dabbled in it a little bit during high school, but my knowledge about it was very limited. Now I have an arsenal of information that I can pull from. And one of the best feelings is giving direction and not only seeing them successful with it but doing even better than you hoped for! It's such a mama bear feeling when I talk about directing. Even when we directed open scenes during class I felt that way. We were given scripts with no setting or description and we had to create everything ourselves. My scene went so incredibly well, and I think it was one of the best of the entire class. I sat there in awe and wonder thinking if I couldn't act this would be the second best thing to do. I was so proud!

I never really considered directing to be in my future, but now that I think about it it's more of a viable option. I first and foremost want to act of course, but directing would still be fun to do. I hope I can find a voice for myself as a director. Maybe I'll try for more directing positions in the future. Who knows.

On the acting side things are going well. "Children of a Lesser God" is going....just going, lol. It's sooooo incredibly difficult because I have to learn the signing a little bit at a time, and that wouldn't be a big issue if I didn't have to sign the entire show! Those are my lines! So I feel fake and awkward trying to make up signs when I don't know them. I know almost all of the signs for Act 1 so it's coming along. I just don't want character thrown to the side because the signing is so important to learn. Argggg! haha. But I'm working my ass off on it, so I'm confident that the product will be good.

I've also got Planned Parenthood scenes and clusterfuck one acts going on too. I love it that I seem to be given the huge multiple page monologues in almost every show I do. I don't mind at all because for me it's easier to learn long monologues than just normal dialogue. But I absolutely love it.

More on my future acting escapades later...

The difference between a cow and a bean is that a bean can begin an adventure!

So, I'm in a much more optimistic place than I was last time. Things have turned around and I guess worked out better than I could have imagined. Funny how life turns out that way, huh?

I just recently participated in a staged reading of a play called "Sullied Flesh" by Margie. It wasn't anything fancy; we had our scripts in hand and just did basic blocking, but it was amazing. The part I read for is basically a female version of Hamlet. I feel bad because I really didn't do the part the justice it deserves, but I think I did well for only two rehearsals. I would have loved to play the role in an actual production. And one thing I've told Margie before is that I don't know if it's just crazy timing or what, but the parts that I play in her shows coincide with what I'm feeling and going through at that exact moment in my life. So a lot of what I do isn't really acting, it's almost like me going through therapy onstage lol. It happened during "Phallus Pan" and it happened during the staged reading. I don't know if it's necessarily a bad thing what happens...I guess not really if you get truth in the end, which is what I think happens. There was one specific part of the script that hit me most; it's a part where my character finally gets to "talk" with God, which is the whole reason why she goes through traveling to Mars and going to a monastery to write a play. The writing is so simple yet so poignant and it's the exact things I want to say to God if I could have a conversation with him. I actually cried the last night we did it because I feel so frustrated with the whole religion thing and I have no idea what I truly believe in anymore. But I guess that's good because for me it was complete and utter truth, so hopefully it came across that way on stage.

And onto other good news...I got cast in "Children of a Lesser God"!!! It almost totally makes up for not getting cast in the main season because it's one of my dream shows. I read the script when I was a sophomore in high school and fell in love because of the sign language in it. And now I get to play a dream role of mine, and I'm ecstatic. I'm also completely petrified of what lies ahead. I have so much research that I have to do and soooooooooooooooooooooooo much signing I have to learn. I sign the entire show and I'm just at the level of an elementary school student. I have to eventually get to the point where I'm signing at the rate that dear people would sign at. It's a daunting task but I am willing to put in all the hours to do it. I know I've been saying this a lot in my blogs, but this will be my most challenging role yet. But I am looking forward to this unique experience because not only will it be so fulfilling as an actor but if I can nail it it'll show others that I can do more than comedy. I can have range people!

I also have "A Night with Beaver" scenes going on in between everything AND auditions for the one-acts are coming up. I want to squeeze in as much acting opportunities as possible! Along with directing scenes and period styles I probably will lose my mind some point...I might self-destruct before my 21st birthday but I don't care because by god it is theatre and I love it!

Hey guys it's me, the biggest disappointment you know...

So, sorry for the lack of posting. The last couple of weeks have been a pain in the ass. I've been slacking off on my duties to myself on self-reflecting, so here goes...

Auditions came and went and I got nothing. It's so exhausting going from pure joy from getting called back to all three shows (which is a first for me) and then finding out you didn't get cast. I haven't had to experience that feeling in a looooooong time. I think the last time I didn't make a show was my sophomore year of high school when I auditioned for CATS. Which I guess is a pretty good track record, it just sucks major balls right now. I just finished an amazing summer of getting to play three great roles in 3 months, and now it's like I'm at square one all over again. I'm all for learning in the classroom, but it really doesn't compare to learning on stage through creating a role. And I guess I'm just disappointed in myself really. I thought I did really well at general auditions, but apparently I just didn't get the job done at callbacks. And I know they say "You can't beat yourself up about it. It's based on who melds together. You tried your best" blah blah blah. I feel like if I did my best and I was good enough then looks and melding wouldn't matter because I could act around that. But I didn't, and it's reflected on it.

I know rejection is a part of the biz, but it still hurts. I went through a period in my early "career" when I was like 12 years old and I auditioned for like 3 or 4 shows in a row and didn't get cast. It was devastating. Now I still feel like that 12 year old not getting cast. It's so frustrating when you know you can act the shit out of a role, but they just won't give you a chance. And now all this talk I've been having about going off to try this acting thing professionally and grad school seems silly now because I can't even make a show now. What makes me think I can go off somewhere and do well in the industry? Not making a show makes me question my goals and my abilities so much that it makes me sick. I feel so empty not having a show to look forward to.

Now that my pity party is done, I have to focus on the future. I get these feelings in waves. Especially when people start talking about rehearsals and costume fittings...I really just try and tune it out not to be rude, but because I know if I listen I'll get depressed. Not trying to get too personal here, but I am truly afraid I'm heading in that direction. I think I've talked about this earlier, but I've suffered real-time depression once in my life, and it was no fun at all. I'm just worried that everything that has happened this past month might push me over the edge. That's why theatre is so important to me right now. I need something to fill the hole inside, at least for a little while. But I have other projects that I'm hoping can do that for me. The community theatre in town is doing "Children of a Lesser God", which is one of my dream shows to be in because the lead female role does all sign. I am hoping and praying to get cast because the role would be a new challenge for me; I couldn't talk the entire show and would have to rely on signing and body language. It would be an amazing experience and I hope I get to be a part of it. EAT is also doing more shows in November, so I hope I get to be a big part of that as well.

So, things aren't all bad. I've always had a roller coaster relationship with theatre, so it was about time that it started going downhill. I've had a lot of success so I guess I needed a humbling experience to make me work harder and focus more. And that's what I'm going to do for the next couple of months. I'm going to work outside of the department, I'm going to read every play on the undergrad reading list before the end of the semester, and I'm going to stay as involved as I can without technically being in a show. I'm going to stay positive about this, but please send good thoughts my way to keep this outlook for as long as possible.

Words, words, words!

So, "Phallus Pan" is coming to a close tonight, and it's time for some of my closing night reflection and bullshit. haha

Last night we had two performances in one night, one at 8pm and one at 12pm/am. It took a lot out of me. Doing just one show full out drains the hell out of me, but doing two shows almost killed me. I slept like a baby today. But it's also interesting because the dynamic of the midnight show was very strange. I don't know if it was because of the time or the audience or the actors or what, but it seemed to be a different show when we performed it. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, it was just different from previous performances. It was fun to play up the awkwardness too, because with each scene it kept growing and growing and I don't think they realized what would happen next. I got a little frustrated with them because they weren't as vocal with the funny bits, and I was working my ass off, but to no avail. But it's all good, sometimes they just won't respond to it. But I don't see how people can survive doing two shows a day. I guess it's a lot easier when it's a matinee and night performance rather than a night and into the early morning hours one, lol

Also, during the run of the show, we've had much opposition. There is apparently a person out there who has so much hatred and his or her....no, "its" heart that it feels the need to not only attack the show and some of the actors, but to even go outside of Limelight and attack actors not involved. I don't understand how a person could feel so much animosity towards a piece of theatre. If you don't like it, then don't come see it. It's that simple. And I guess if it offends you so much, then sure you can talk about how you don't like it. It's freedom of speech baby. But don't make any comments on a play if you've never seen it. That's plain ignorance. And when you personally attack people, that's when you've crossed the line. I don't know if we will ever truly figure out who "it" is, but I hope they realize what a coward they are and that they do not deserve to be involved in such a great art form as the theatre. I hope they end up working in some lowly job in a deserted town and have no friends. So pooh on you!

This show has been such an amazing experience for me. Like I've said before, I've never had a part like this, so it's allowed me to work on a different type of character with an extremely well developed path. People have come up to me and told me that my character was the most well developed one in the whole show, and while it's nice to hear that, I can only partially take credit for it. The playwright is the main reason Wendy is such a badass character. Without her genius on the page, I'd be nothing. But I've also been proud of the path I've discovered for Wendy and with the direction and words on the page, the combination of all three have developed into this really great character. And this is the first time I've worked with an original script and specifically with a part that was written for me. It makes me feel good that the playwright felt I could handle this role and all the shit that goes with it. And I love Wendy so much. I mean, there's a 99% chance that I would never get to be the rapER and not the rapEE. I absolutely love that. I've had the chance to do things that I've never done on stage before, so my next role will never be as amazingly frighteningly awesome as this. It's been a shitty last couple of weeks, but this show and these people have gotten me through it. And what better way to recuperate from a traumatic experience than to do it through theatre. I couldn't ask for better timing.

So, here's to the "death of theatre" and "Phallus Pan". It was a great experience! Amazing show, amazing cast, amazing role, amazing playwright, amazing director...I couldn't ask for anything more!

Let our show by the rice krispie treat!

So, opening weekend for "Phallus Pan" has come and gone, and it was great! Minus Friday night, we had excellent audiences considering a ton of people are still away for the summer. On opening night we sold out completely and had to turn people away. That's a really great feeling.

I think I've been doing pretty well with this show. As I said before, everything has sort of clicked together recently, and I've been able to connect with the emotional side of Wendy. I know I went through a different experience, but feeling all that pain and anger made it easier to relate to Wendy and all of her pain. I'm going to say, and I don't want it to come off cocky or self-indulgent, but I truly believe the final scene of Pan is my best work thus far in theatre. I don't think I'm giving my best performance in the overall show; there are certain parts that give me shit all the time and I kick myself for it. You know when you're acting and in the moment and everything...and then you suddenly lose it and you think "Well fuck, where did it go". That happens to me sometimes during the show, but all I can do is focus and try and bounce back. But, the final scene is so powerful and beautifully written....and I think it's one of those things where every aspect just falls into place. I feel so much during that scene, and believe me it is truth down to the very core. It takes me about 10 minutes to get out of it. Thankfully with the audience I talk to them afterwards which makes the process speed up, but you should have seen me at our final dress when we were getting notes after the run-through. It was like my whole family had died at that moment because I was so depressed and quiet and blah.

And I know I've talked about the audience and it's affect on me before, but this one instance this weekend just pissed me off. On Friday we had a small audience, which didn't bother me, but they were sooooo not into it. They laughed periodically throughout the show, but it was until the last scene where they got very vocal. And I will admit, there are parts of the last scene that are funny. But this audience laughed during my monologue and the rape and the final moment. I was enraged when I finished the scene. There I am, basically pouring my heart out and being metaphorically naked onstage....and you're laughing at me?!?!? There is nothing funny about my monologue. KJSJKDKDDSOD! I know they didn't intentionally do that to spite me, but it still frustrated me to no end. I guess it's different strokes for different folks.

I've started working on my monologues for auditions coming up for the fall semester at Tech. It's weird because the past two auditions I've been to I didn't have to worry about being cast in a show. Summer Rep needed like a bajillion girls and for Pan they planned on using everybody who auditioned. Now it's the big time audition with cattle calls and monologues and faculty directors....I'm scared shitless. I've picked out two really great monologues though that I think will show my range more than I have before. I still have that worry that I wont make anything. That's probably one of my greatest fears...not doing theatre. And it sucks because there's nothing you can do about it. It just depends on who fits where and looks the part. There's a lot of great actors that don't get cast because of random reasons. I just hope I can continue my streak of great roles.

“Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.” -Henry Rollins

So, life has pretty much bent me over the figurative table and fucked me in the ass this week. Twice. But, this blog is not about my personal life, and while I would love to get all my feelings out in the open, this isn't the place for it. Instead, I'm going to relate my shitty situation to acting and the show.

I haven't had a lot of tragedy in my life. I've been blessed with having a pretty normal childhood and adult-like life. As a normal person, that's all you can ask for, but as an actor it sucks balls. Acting is all about experiencing the emotions that these characters go through, which could range from anything. It helps when you've gone through some turmoil because then you can remember "Hey, I felt like this during this time of my life" and you know what to pull from and where you need to end up. I've always felt behind the curve in this sense because I don't have a lot to pull from. What I've done (and I'm not sure which acting method this belongs to, I think it's Stanislavsky with the whole emotional recall thing) is just find instances where I've felt a similar emotion, just not with the same situation. For instance, in two recent shows I've been in, "Cabin Fever" and now "Phallus Pan", I've played a character who has lost a parent. I've never lost a parent, thank goodness, but I still have to go through the process of dealing with that loss, and I really have to identify what part of the grieving they are at.

So, basically what all this rambling is coming down to is that now I've had (and am having) a very traumatic portion of my life. It's awful and horrible and it sucks. BUT, I guess the little, itty bitty silver lining in this situation is that it's helped me a lot during "Phallus Pan". Wendy is the most emotional character I've played ever. Again, I don't get to do dramatic stuff very much, so this is a change for me. And Wendy is kind of the litmus test for the show, because she's the one that goes through these situations in Neverland and we see how she reacts to each one. And towards the end of the show she becomes extremely emotional, because the whole reason she comes to Neverland is she wants to forget the death of her father. So, when she reaches the end of the play, she's dealing with all the emotions with her father and her frustration with everyone else, and her love for Pan. I think I've been doing ok with it up to this point, but it wasn't until recently that it all clicked. Having all this shit happen to me recently gives me stuff to pull from for the show. I always try to keep the drama at the door, but this show and this part give me the chance to kind of deal with it. The first time we ran the show after everything happened I was shaking so badly after it was over, but it felt good to just feel it and not having to worry about being strong or happy.

It kills me because there's one monologue at the end that just got me. Wendy pins Pan down and monologues about what she learned in Neverland, stuff like how to be angry and lonely and how avoiding pain just makes it worse. I don't think I've ever said any words as truthfully as I did at that rehearsal at that time. It was great, but also awful.

So, I guess I'm sort of glad for this life experience. People can't have perfect lives, especially people within a play. There's always conflict, always heightened emotions. So at least I'm thriving somewhere in my life.

You are going to die in an hour and a half....you will die at the end of the play!"

So, I found a real job, and I'm working from 9-5 Mon-Fri with rehearsals for Pan at night. And the other day I thought to myself "Huh, this is how my life will be if I do this for the rest of my life". Which is weird because I've never done this before; school has always been a part of my life. So it's kind of neat to think I'm sort of starting a good trend that will hopefully continue on for the rest of my life. Work and Theatre. I'd be happy with that.

Anyways, Pan has been going extremely well. I really love this role because it's not my typical type-casting. I've been working on being more realistic and bringing myself down. I'm a very big actor and I constantly want to entertain, so my acting can be very broad at times. So I've been working on not trying to be a character as much, but more trying to be me. I find it so weird when a director tells you to just be you. I find it harder to be me on stage than someone else, which is weird, I know! If it's just me, I'm constantly questioning my motives and actions. I think "Wow, I wouldn't say this line ever". But I think I've been working on trying to find a good mixture of the two extremes so I don't feel so awkward. I always put some of me into each character, so I think in this instance I just put more than I normally would. It's still a work in progress.

Now, on a unrelated non-acting note, I've been inspired recently. A while back I was looking at random articles on-line about the pros and cons of going to graduate school for acting. I'm debating whether or not to go to graduate school. I have no earthly idea what I want to do after I graduate college, and graduate school is one option, but there's a lot of issues with that. But that's another subject for a rainy day. So, I was reading this blog about this one guys opinion about going to graduate school for acting. And whilst perusing the blog, I found one statement that I thought was interesting. He said that if you are going to graduate, and while in graduate school, you should read a play every other day. And, the more I think about it, the more I think undergraduates should do this too! Undergrads are always asking about where to find good monologues, and god knows we don't have extensive knowledge of different plays....EUREKA!

So, I am creating a program for myself. I am going to read a play every other day. So far it's been great, I've read at least one play EVERY day. Which I know will not continue once school starts; but, reading at least like an act of a play every day isn't that much. And once I figure out my schedule, I can always find time to sneak some reading in. Right now I just kind of grabbed some books, a lot were plays that were recently done on Broadway. I've made it through all three plays of "The Norman Conquests" which were fucking hilarious! I would kill to be in them, but the chances of any place doing three full length shows is near to impossible. I can still dream though :) I also read "Jake's Women" by Neil Simon, which was pretty good too. I mean, it's Neil Simon so it's nothing amazing, but still funny to read. There were some good monologues in there too. Currently I'm reading "Bug" by Tracy Letts, the same guy who wrote "August: Osage County". It's interesting....I don't know if I like it or not yet. But so far this program has been a success! Hopefully I continue on and read every play known to man...not really though

“I regard the theatre as the most immediate way in which a human being can share with another the sense of what it is to be a human being"-Oscar Wilde

I find it funny that as soon as I write about my frustration with direction and finding some honesty with my acting, I have an amazing rehearsal that trumps all that. The director that I am working with right now is meeting all of my expectations and then some. But the thing that is making me just go completely gaga over it all is that he is pointing out my acting flaws. He will tell me when I make a weird face or if I'm not doing enough vocal variation or if I'm not diving deep enough into the character during the scenes. And it's funny because before he'll tell me what I did he will always say "I'm sorry to point this out" or "Don't worry about it, but..." or something along those lines, like I'll get offended by it. And yes, while it's frustrating that I'm doing those things, I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LOVE IT!!! Call me out on my shit! Please do! I think I'm at the point in my life and acting "career" (and I use the term loosely, believe me) where I can take one hit after another. List all the bad things that I'm doing, and it will just fuel me to try harder and get it the next time. If you would have done this to me when I was in high school, I probably would have taken it but cried backstage afterwards. I guess now that I've had more experience in the theatre and have pretty much felt every self-conscious emotion I can...I know the best and worst things about myself. No one can really point out anything about me that I haven't already scrutinized. So, if it's something going on in a scene that i can fix, then it's all the better because I CAN fix it eventually. Half the fight is just being aware of it, so I'm 50% done before I even try to fix it.

So anyway it was a fulfilling experience. I left the rehearsal so rejuvenated, even though I had a list of things thrown at me. I don't know if my director will realize how much I appreciate it, since honest directing comes so few and far between. I'll have to let him know so he won't think I take it in the wrong way and continue it with other actors so they can grow as much as I have.

And the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I've grown since my high school theatre days. I cringe when I think about my past shows because my characters were all so surface. They had the potential, and I had potential, but it is no where near where I want to be. And I don't think I've ever gotten a character 100%, or a show for that matter. I just read an interview with the musical theatre guru Raul Esparza who said that the best advice Stephen Sondheim told him was that you will never get a character completely right...but that also means you will never get it completely wrong either; the goal is to keep trying at it. And I feel that way all the time. I'm never completely satisfied after finishing a show because I know I could have done better. And as I grow as an actor, I look back on my previous work and wonder "What the hell was I thinking?!?! How could I think that was good?!?!"

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm happy with the progression that I'm making. I know it's nowhere near where I want to be...and who knows if I'll ever get there! But I'm developing characters more thoroughly and trying to live their lives as truthfully as I can.

“Acting is a question of absorbing other people's personalities and adding some of your own experience.” -Jean-Paul Sartre

So, doing a character analysis thingy on here helped a lot last time with "Cabin Fever", so I figure I'll do one for "Phallus Pan" since Wendy is as complicated, if not more than Pidge. I apologize in advance if this isn't as "insightful" about acting in general as the other posts. This one is pretty much just for me, so deal with it. Here goes nothing.

Wendy goes through a lot of shit through the course of the show. She starts off right after her father's funeral. So, pre-show, I see Wendy as having a pretty average life. I kind of see Wendy growing up in a family like mine, but maybe a little more eccentric. Wendy and Michael probably grew up in middle-class, white, suburban America. We know that both of the parents are dead, so I imagine that the mother died a good while before the father. I see Wendy as around my age, possibly a little bit younger, so I would say the mother died probably when Wendy was 12 or 13. The mother was the organized runner of the house while the father was off being his eccentric self. With her death, I see Wendy starting to take some control of the responsibilities to help her dad out and keep Michael in line since he was younger. I don't imagine that she was bossy when she first started, but as the years went on I see it taking a toll on Wendy to where she transformed into this stuffy, anal retentive, mother wannabe. I'm sure Michael was fed up having his sister trying to act like his mother. With the death of her father, I think Wendy kind of goes into hyper-drive, trying to take the place of the mother and father. While Michael might be annoyed by her type-A personality, I believe that he and Wendy have a very close relationship. You can see throughout the play that Michael constantly worries about Wendy and her safety while Wendy goes on her journey through Neverland and trying to find herself. Wendy cares about Michael as well, and since she's been the stand in mother for so long, she probably sees him in more of the son manner than anything.

So, this is how Wendy starts off the play. And while she is playing the mother-y role, in the real world she's very uptight about it. She's not the lovey dovey mom type, she's the hardcore organized "We have to be perfect" type. And so through the process of meeting Pan and Tink and arriving in Neverland, she is very hesitant about it the whole time. She's not one for trying new experiences, so she's very stand-offish towards the whole idea. Once waking up in Neverland, she encounters something she's not used to. There are people who want her help and are asking to be their mother. That's something she never got in the real world. She has all this pain and regret dealing with her parents' deaths and trying to raise Michael at the same time; yet in this fantasy world she doesn't have to deal with any of it, and she can create this family that was all but obliterated by the real world. I also think it's at this moment where she falls in love with Phallus Pan, because he is so enchanting and mysterious, and he kind of encourages their relationship by putting himself as the father and Wendy as the mother. So, Wendy decides to leave her past behind in the real world, and accept her new life in Neverland with her new family.

Then we have this weird transformation that Wendy goes through during the middle of the play. She fully embraces the mother role, and she enjoys it a great deal. Then, something within her just snaps and she sort of abuses her role as the mother and turns it dirty. I think since she took care of her family in the real world for so long, she didn't have time to go out and have fun and possibly fool around. Seeing the anatomy of the boys just turned something on with her hormones and she goes crazy. Again, at first she tries to deny this new experience, but then it just gets too much and she gives in. This is the point in the play where things change completely, and through the introduction of sex to the Lost Boys, this domino affect occurs eventually bringing on the destruction of Neverland.

And then again she puts herself in the same situation, just with another Lost Boy. She abuses her mother standing and gives into her sexual frustration. I think Wendy has this ignorance towards her actions in Neverland. In the real world she was calm and collected, but in Neverland she's letting her emotions get the best of her. And she doesn't realize how her actions are affecting this fantasy world. When she gets captured by Tiger Lilly, this becomes the moment of realization for Wendy. She' so stuck on her love for Pan and taking care of the Lost Boys that when Tiger Lilly snaps her out of it, Wendy finally realizes what she's been doing. She remembers the death of her father, and the fact that she's basically abandoned Michael. She doesn't go completely back to the way she was, because her life has changed forever through this experience, but she becomes determined to save her new family and take them out of this place.

She finally destroys the thing that keeps Phallus Pan and the Lost Boys on Neverland, and wants to take them all back home. Through the final scene she reveals her love for Pan, and attempts to get Pan to go home with them and start a family in the real world. When Pan refuses, they battle it out. Wendy has this great monologue towards the end when she tells Pan what she really learned in Neverland, basically about avoiding your pain and dealing with it in all the wrong ways. Finally she becomes victorious, and through a series of events leaves Neverland with Pan.

Wendy goes through this crazy ass journey. And I thought about reading the original Peter Pan play or watching the movie to get inspiration, but I thought no this time. In this instance, this part was written with me in mind, so really this is a perfect example of finding a bit of you in the character. I've felt these feelings that Wendy has felt, and the best way of portraying them is to just know what they are and experience them as if I were for the first time.

Work is what you do for others, art is what you do for yourself

Due to the fact that life is life and I have yet to find a big girl job, the posts have been limited. But I am hopefully finding a job next week, and rehearsals are well under way for Phallus Pan, so hopefully I'll be able to post more. Now this blog will be all over the place, but hopefully the general message will get across.

I, Christina Jones, am not the perfect actor. My life would be so much easier if I were, and I sure as hell would not be residing in Lubbock, Texas that's for sure. The reason I am in Lubbock, Texas and at Texas Tech is because I want to learn everything I can about acting. I want to learn as much as possible about my craft so that I can be the best that I can be. That's one of the reasons that I transferred to Tech; I wanted to go to a major university so I could have the chance to learn and have more opportunities compared to smaller universities in the area. After being in the theatre program at Tech for a year, I feel like I can form my own opinions about the program itself, specifically dealing with learning more about the craft.

I feel like you can't improve on something if you don't know what you're doing wrong. If you're baking a cake, and it comes out tasting shitty, it's helpful to know if you measure the wrong amount of flour or turned the oven temperature up too high; otherwise you have no idea how to fix that damn cake! I see acting in the same light. In order to improve and get to the level of, let's say Meryl Streep, I have to know if I keep doing the same gesture or make a weird face sometimes. I try to stay aware of these things while acting, but it's hard to notice some nuances because I have no idea that I'm doing it. There's only so much I can do before an outside force needs to intervene. This is why the greatest actors in the world still have acting coaches, because they constantly need someone else to help them work on their craft.

This is the problem that I've encountered. I think I've reached a point where I need a lot of outside observers. Before Tech, I pretty much taught myself how to act through trial and error. I learned very basic things like blocking and opening up and projecting and etc., and through working in many, many shows I've taught myself basic acting concepts. I've never had any true acting instruction. Now, after coming to Tech, I'm learning about acting techniques, but in a very general manner.

But the thing that frustrates me the most is that I'm not being told what I'm doing wrong. Oh sure, I've gotten some notes on what to improve on during shows, but no one has come outright and said "Hey, that doesn't work" or "Quit moving your hands like that". It's like people are afraid to give a bad critique. It's so frustrating because I know I'm doing many things wrong, but no one will tell me! If I have a weird tick, tell me so I don't look like a dumb ass on stage! I just want someone to be completely honest with me and tell me what I need to work on. It might suck at first, but I can take it. I want to be able to work on it and get better.

This is my biggest critique of the Tech theatre department right now. And sometimes I feel like a phony because I have this figurative bag of tricks that I pull stuff out of. I'm trying to discover new aspects of acting, but without some guidance I'm pretty much screwed. I don't want to be pigeon holed as one type of character because I can't get decent instruction. It's not fair for me, or anyone else involved.

I act, therefore...I'm broke!

I've decided that I hate read-throughs. I know that it's necessary to do because it's the first time going through the play with the specific actors and their respective parts. And it gives the director (and in the case playwright) a chance to hear how it reads and come up with ideas for the show. I get all that.

I still hate them with a fiery passion!!!

I'm just not good with read-throughs. I feel so fake when reading it because it doesn't feel real. I feel like I'm reading aloud some book that I found interesting. I'm the type of person who needs to put the words into action so I can find some meaning behind them. Just sitting there and reading the play...I feel like a phony. And I also wonder if people are judging me by this...which mortifies me even more. I'm doing a play for the first time with this theatre group, and I have a pretty substantial part, so I feel like I need to prove myself. And if they judge me by this crappy read-through then I'm doomed.

With that being said, I'm really nervous about this one. Wendy is going to be a bitch of a role. Not only do I have the most lines, but just the character is completely different than what I've played before. Which I know is good because I always want to reinvent myself as an actor. But it's also frightening because I'm going through uncharted territory. I just really hope I can do the role justice and not completely suck. That would be nice.

On a completely different note....I wish I was at the point in my life where theatre could be my real-time job. Right now, since I'm in school, theatre is kind of the prize of the day. It's the "if you're lucky you might get the chance to do this once in a while" while I have to look for a big girl job. I want to do theatre for money. I want to get paid for doing what I love doing. I wish it could be that simple, but I have the sneaking suspicion that it won't happen for a while...if ever. Why can't I live in a bigger town that pays you to act? Why do I have to pay $1500 to be able to act over the summer? Will I ever get to that point? These are the thoughts that go through my head.

Whelp, I can't do much about it now. Unless Lubbock magically gets bigger, I will be stuck in my predicament. I think this is just an excuse not to work at a boring 9-5 job...or because I'm lazy....sometimes

“...easier to follow the author’s intention and to see, if not the answers to his questions, at least what the questions are that he is asking.”

That quote, cut for space, was made by Martin Esslin in the book "The Theatre of the Absurd" which is now on my wish list of theatre books I want.

So, during this week, I really wanted to take some time off from theatre. Really just to recoup and get ready for Pan. So I wasn't going to read anything or do anything really theatre-y. Then I got this invitation for a sort of mini-RROAPS for the Limelight Theatre. They are looking for one-act scripts for a possible production of a "night of one-acts" that they would produce in the fall. I thought to myself "Neat. This would be really awesome if I were a playwright!" and went on with my day. Then, my house mates/theatre people started encouraging me to write something, so I thought if I could come up with something interesting, I'll sit down and try to write a play out. Then an idea just hit me, randomly, while watching TV. And that's when this whole debacle started.

I got an idea for a short play with absurdist themes. And I wanted to be inspired, so I started watching/reading "Waiting for Godot" by Samuel Beckett. Now, I read this play when I was a junior in high school, and I will admit at the time I thought it was crap and didn't make sense. Now, as I come to a better understanding of theatre and start to appreciate it more, I really see the genius of it. How a "play about nothing" can still make you sit at the edge of your seat wondering "Who is this damn Godot?!?" But I digress...

So after finishing that, I wanted to learn more about the play and it's meanings, which led me to reading about Theatre of the Absurd, which led to me reading a good chunk of the book mentioned above. I'm so fascinated by it all. All the philosophies and ideals within it are very interesting. And, after reading a lot about it, it makes me a happier and more optimistic theatre-goer. Now I don't have to look at every piece of theatre and think "What's the meaning behind this" Sometimes I can just sit back and say "Maybe it is as it is". And I also love the idea that language really isn't that important. We rely so much on it nowadays in theatre, but really it doesn't mean a damn thing. I saw this a lot during the Pintor scenes some of my fellow students did for our final scene in Principles of Acting II. There are whole plays where the language is there, but it doesn't mean anything. You could basically throw it out the window and create a new diaglogue just with phsyical acting. I want to read more about theatre of the absurd.

After reading about all of that, I decided to go on with my original idea. But for some reason I got sidetracked, and came up with another idea just based off of premises of different plays/movies that I haven't read/seen. I know that's probably awful, but I guess you take your ideas as they come, eh?

So last night I just took this idea and started to write. And today I finished the script. All 13 pages. In all it's glory. I've popped my playwriting cherry! And, I'm not gonna lie, I think for my first one it's actually ok. I don't think it's completely awful. I know it's not Ionesco or Beckett, but I like it. Now, the hard part, is showing it to other people and hearing the critiques. I'm most nervous about that. I can take acting critiques because I 'm confident in my ability to hear the critique and adjust myself to become better. For playwriting...I don't know what the hell I'm doing!!! I've never done this before, never taken a class, never heard simple tips to writing a play...well except maybe Aristotles 6 aspects of a well-made play...but that all goes out the window with absurd theatre!

BUT, yes, I am nervous. I'm not the best writer in the world, or the most prolific, as you can read here. But I've got some great ideas of what I think might be good plays. And, who knows, maybe this playwriting thing will turn out well. Or I could just be writing shit like the 1,000's of other playwrights out there. Who knows!

Another opening, another show!

Well, in this case it's another closing of another show. I am currently in the green room during our last performance of "The Lone Star Love Potion". Like I've said in previous posts, this show seems so thrown together it's insane. It feels like a new performance every night, but not in a good way. Line flubs out the wazoo and a lot of ad-libbing. Thankfully I'm not a major player in this show, so it doesn't affect me as much, but it's still a sad thing because it had the potential to be an amazing show. Don't get me wrong, it's a good show, but I think with all the time restraints and stress of summer rep held it back from reaching the next level. It's really not at the fault of any person specifically, it's just a result of bad circumstances. Nevertheless, it was still a great run of a good show.

Tammy Jo was a fun character to play. I got to play the Texas beauty queen, which I don't get to because I really don't look like one. But it's been fun, especially getting to play around with the sexy side. One comment I got about my performance was that it was a one dimensional character, which kind of upset me. But the more I got to thinking, the more I was ok with that. Tammy Jo is not a 2-D character, at least in this play. Each actor is like a character in Clue: the butler, the maid, the lawyer, the heiress, the sleazy husband, the nerd, and the cowgirl. It's a farce, so the last thing the playwright is worried about is deep character development. In this case, the story is the most important part. The characters could be taken out and changed into something completely different and that's ok...as long as the story is still intact. So I'm ok with the fact that Tammy Jo is a one dimensional character because that's the way that she is meant to be. She doesn't go through any meaningful changes through the play. She's just dear ole Tammy Jo.

And the more I think about it, the more I realize Pidge didn't go through any real changes either, and I think that's the way it's meant to be. We talked early on in rehearsals about how Cabin Fever was set up to show the flaws of every character except the one every puts the blame on, and that's Pidge. She becomes the scape goat, but through the course of the play we realize that everyone is messed up except Pidge. She's actually pretty normal. I mean, I guess she changes a little bit, by kind of accepting her family again even though they decided to blame her for everything, but that's pretty much it. I've had a summer of changeless characters, on purpose of course.

So, as intermission ends, I sit here a changed actor. Through all the bullshit of summer rep I've grown so much as an actor. I've learned a great process to help me get into character and stay in character. And I've gotten to play around with two amazing characters for a girl of only 20. Summer rep might have been hell, but the acting experience will stay with me for the rest of my life. Now....PHALLUS PAN HO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Acting is happy agony.” -Jean-Paul Sartre

I'm in a very weird state right now. I'm dealing with a lot of issues (not drama, just internal nuisances) so this one might be all over the place. For that, I apologize in advanced.

Sometimes I don't realize how important strike is for an actor. For me, and especially with this last role in "Cabin Fever", once the show was over I didn't feel like it was over. I kept feeling the role and doing the physicality of the character. There was nothing to stop me. It wasn't until we started strike that Pidge slowly but surely left me. The feelings I get during the show and before the show all left with every task that I performed. I know that strikes suck because you just gave your all during a performance and now have to work two extra hours taking down the set; but strike actually gives me closure. I feel a sense of accomplishment after taking down the set, like the process has been completed from the audition process to now. I guess I also see it as taking down the world in which you (as your character) lived in. With the destruction of that world, there is no character for you to live through. It's kind of sad, really.

But I find it funny because sometimes I'll catch myself doing Pidge mannerisms. I embodied that character more than I ever have in a role before, so it would make sense that she's still within me. It's harder to shake her off. I'll sit like her a lot, which makes me laugh. It's so hard to let her go, though, since she was a great character to play. I'm just worried that I will never get to play a character as complex and layered as she was.

Anyways...I guess I will finally say goodbye to Pidge and move on to my other acting endeavors.

By the way, I decided to put a slide show on my page with photos taken from the productions I've been in. I figured since this is my acting blog, I should have some sort of something that people can look to when I make references to past shows I've been in. I also enjoy being reminded of those plays and seeing me grow as an actor. It's just fun.

We opened "The Lone Star Love Potion" last night, and it went very well. I was extremely worried about the production because it kind of got pushed to the side...which is to no one's fault. It's hard when you have to work on two shows at one time, because one will always be pushed to the side, and in this case it was just simply because we had to put up two other shows before it. So going into technicals was not the best feeling because this show was the hardest in that department since it had the most sound and lighting design elements. Not the mention our lines were not at par to where we needed to be. Never the less, we pulled through and gave a pretty stellar performance. The audience went berserk, which I guess is probably normal for this show since there are so many transformations and sex. I was surprised how well I was received by the audience, which I think in part is due to the fact that some theatre people I know where there were probably reacting to the blond wig. I will take it as a win for me, though :)

We are in the home stretch now. We are running the last show and now have no more shop calls, which I am not complaining about at all. It's been a rough two months, but it's been an adventure. Thankfully I'll have this week and next week to somewhat rest and find a non-theatre related job to support myself with. Then it's on to Phallus Pan! There is no rest for the theatre weary!

“A work of art is above all an adventure of the mind” -Eugene Ionesco

I, Christina, sit here in my living room in my house with an ice pack on my swelling knee and a knot on my head...

This, my good friends, is the price of live theatre!

But, I'll get to that later. Right now we are about to finish the run of "Cabin Fever". It's been a fucking roller coaster, that's for sure, but it's really been an incredible acting experience. Like I said before, I've been taking the time to truly prepare myself for the role, which I really haven't done before. I warm-up and then take some quiet time to meditate and get into character. I've noticed a big change in my acting by doing this, so I'm definitely going to continue this. It's helped me focus so much and stay in character for as long as I can. I feel very satisfied after the performances because it just felt right. Minus the directing issues it's been a great experience.

It's so interesting when looking at the dynamic of the audience with the actors. I know you aren't supposed let it affect you as an actor, but it's almost impossible not to. Like tonight, for instance, was a great night because the audience was very responsive and active. It really helped with the energy of the show and I know it boosted me up personally. And then there's nights like last night where the audience just doesn't feel like responding. As an actor you try so hard to get some reaction, but it just didn't do any good. It's so frustrating sometimes, but that's part of the biz. Sometimes the audience just won't get "it" or doesn't appreciate it. I just have to suck it up and move on to the next show.

But anyways, tonight was very interesting. Everything was going great until the fight scene. I accidentally slipped whilst being choked and feel backwards, taking my chokee with me! It was one of those slow motion to fast forward adrenaline moments. After I hit the floor I really didn't know what happened because I think I was in shock. Thankfully I didn't get to go offstage until the end of the show, so I didn't have time to process it and let it affect me. It started to get to me during my last monologue, but for the most part it wasn't bad. But it's funny because that's the beauty of live theatre. Shit is going to happen sometimes, and it's our jobs as actors to play it off and make it a part of the moment. We played it off pretty well I think, so I'm glad.

So the broken Christina is now resting her weary bones for the next performance tomorrow. It's our last one, and I'm very sad actually. While summer rep is stressful, I love this show and this part. It's a great role, and who knows when I'll get another one like it. But, never the less, I'm excited for Lone Star coming up. We've been working on it for a while now and I'm ready for some technical elements. I'm especially excited about costumes because I think it really makes my character. It will be a nice change from crazy. And farces are always fun.

Valium is my favorite color...how did you know?

So, I'm writing this in a state of exhaustion, frustration, and all out scared-ness. We open "Cabin Fever" tomorrow night, and I'm a little nervous about it. We haven't run the show all the way through without stopping yet, which worries me. I think we have a good show right now, it's just hard to tell because we haven't had a full audience to react to things, so I'm not sure how it will go. People who've seen it say it's good, so we'll see.

Today was just very overwhelming for me as an actor. I think I was handling the pressure of a big part and learning everything in a short amount of time very well. Even technicals didn't really bother me. But today just kind of threw me off balance. We had dress rehearsals, which didn't bother me all that much, but on top of learning everything about the fake gun just was too much. I've never shot a gun (real or fake) before in my life, so I was petrified. And I was trying so incredibly hard not to show any fear or hesitance when handling it so I didn't make the cast feel unsafe. I focused too much on that gun, and the fact that two of the "big wigs" of the department came to watch the show. If it was one of these many factors I would have been fine, but all of them at once was impossible.

It's not like I sucked it up completely. I mean, I think I did pretty well for a while. I decided for these summer shows I was going to try out something new. This past semester I read part of Stanislavsky's "An Actor's Method", and wanted to try something that he pointed out. He wrote about the importance of getting into character by taking the time to focus and use every pre-show action to prepare yourself. I'm not going to lie, I don't take the time to get into character before a show. I'll do warm-ups and everything, but I don't just sit down and focus about it. I wanted to try this method out to see if it helped. So I did my make-up, but just chilled until I felt I needed to get ready (since I don't go into the show until about 15 minutes in). After that I focused while putting on my costume, doing my hair, and last minute make-up touches. Then I just sat in the dressing room and meditated for a while. I wanted to try and re-create this possession exercise we did during my acting class. I think it all helped a great deal, but tomorrow I'm going to take more time for the meditation part. I felt like I didn't have enough time to fully appreciate it. But for me, it got me in the right mindset for the show and my character.

I did well through all of Act 1, but it was Act 2 that got me. I don't think I took enough time to focus during intermission, so that definitely took a toll on me in the long run. I stay on stage for basically the whole time, so I probably should take double the time to prepare myself. It's just very tiring and draining while doing it. There was some point today during the run where I just lost it. I'm not sure where it was...I think maybe after the fight. Yeah, now as I think about it...I think it was at that point. I just lost "it", and I realized it while I was onstage. I knew I was out of character and lost my focus. It sucks when you realize that while you're in the middle of a show. It's very hard to get it back, and I tried my hardest, but it just wasn't the same. I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll get used to all these different factors and it won't throw me off so much.

I think we're doing some good work here. Pidge is one of the most difficult characters I've had to play, and I think I'm doing her justice. I just hope everyone sees the play and appreciates all the hard work we (and I) have done.

Holy, moley, fucking shit!

So, I'm going to stray away from summer rep topics (gasp! I know) and talk about the third of my play trifecta for the summer. During July I am going to start rehearsals for a brand new play called "Phallus Pan" by local playwright Margie. It's with the group called EAT (Experimental Artists Theatre) that performs plays written by Margie that are very "artsy", as my mom would put it. I've never worked with them before, but after watching two of their productions, I wanted to get me a piece of that pie. So, I auditioned in April for "Phallus Pan" and got the part of Wendy :) No offense to the other girls who auditioned, but I think my part in this play was well earned. For my audition we were given lyrics to this random song and we had to perform it as a monologue. For me, I acted like a sex-addict that was praying at church but couldn't hold it anymore and started humping the pew. I basically orgasmed on stage...so I worked for it! lol It was probably the most fun I've had at an audition...EVER

I'm writing about it now because I just read the script for it. The way she did it was they had auditions first, and from that group she figured out who would play who and wrote the script for us. I just think that is so neat. This part in this play was written specifically for me. You don't get a lot of opportunities like that in theatre...especially Lubbock, TX, so I am eternally grateful. Anyways, I just read it and I'm in shock. The script is so good and sooooo raunchy! I mean, I've done some raunchy things on stage: I've had sex (under the covers), I've pretended to take it from behind, I kissed tons of guys...all these things I've done onstage. But this script and this part will put it to shame. I'm scared to death because some of the things that I have to do will be extremely personal. I mean, forget the orgasm thing, there's other stuff in the play to goes way beyond that. And, as an actor, is kind of scary to attempt something you've never done before. I know it's acting, but it's almost a different kind of acting. Like if you're doing melodrama or Shakespeare for the first time...it's completely different from the straight play acting.

But at the same time, I'm so enthralled by this opportunity. It's a new challenge for me, and I'm all up for that. And on top of that, it will be sort of liberating to be able to do all these things onstage. If I want to continue doing theatre, I have to be open to performing anything. I've always been the person that people compliment about not being afraid to be open and broad and out there. This is a different kind of "out there", so I need to conquer it just the same. Hell, after I do this show, I won't be afraid to do anything on stage!

On the down side, this will be the first show in the history of my artistic endeavors that my parents will not get to see. For this 5 people reading, please don't mention this if you come in contact with them. It's not that they wouldn't be proud of me, I just don't want to put them through it. They aren't as liberal as I am, so the content might be too much for them. It's basically like children and theatre...I think.

Nevertheless, still excited, and more on Phallus Pan to come!

[long winded make-up blog]

So, I deleted the last post because it was posted before I finished it. Life has been super hectic right now. We just put up the first show in the summer rep series, and I've been ushering with that. We open "Cabin Fever" in less than a week and "Lone Star" after that. It's actually really frightening when I think about it, since we haven't had a full run of the show without stopping. BUT I have faith in our cast. So, here is my long-winded blog about random things over the past couple of days.

I'll start with "Lone Star" because I feel like I haven't talked about it enough and if I save it for last I might not want to finish it. Even though we haven't rehearse for it as much as the other, I feel like I'm getting better direction. Walking into the rehearsal process I had an idea of what character I was going for. I saw Tammy-Jo as the goofy, Annie Oakley Texas girl. During the first couple of blocking rehearsals, he could see that I had that character pretty much down. I mean, not trying to sound cocky, but I can play the awkward, goofy character pretty well. So he sat me down and we talked about the character and he asked me to try out a different version of Tammy Jo, just to see how it played. I went for the Texas beauty queen, and it turned out that this version of the character not only had more depth but had more opportunities for funny bits. It was after having that moment that I realized what a great acting experience it can be when you have a great director. I had that same experience during "We Won't Pay!" as well. When you get good parts with good directors, they know how to encourage the creative process within you. They bring out the best in you, and it looks effortless on your part.

I've worked with this director before. He directed a short dramatic scene for one of his classes. In those few weeks working with him, he brought more out of me than most directors get with 2 months of rehearsals. I felt so rejuvenated after working with him because he knew what he wanted and how to get that out of me. And it benefited me in the long run because people got to see this dramatic side that I don't get a chance to show. I can be dramatic damnit! lol

So, needless to say I think Tammy Jo is doing just fine. The part isn't all that big or important, but it's just one of those fun, character-roles. I am a character actress, after all, so I should be grateful to get these parts as they seem few and far between in this department.

Then there's "Cabin Fever". It's not like it's a shitty experience or anything, because it's not. I have this really amazing role that I should be thankful for...and I am! But the experience isn't as rewarding as I would have hoped for. I feel lost when performing. I have this idea for the character, and I've worked really hard to make her feel real and genuine. I feel like I've had no input from the director. She'll help with random odds and ends, but she's so organic that it feels like she won't critique anything past the acting basics. I guess it helps me in a way because I'm working twice as hard on trying to observe myself more since she won't point anything out. But there's only so much I can do without an outside observer. I almost feel like a child being thrown into the deep end only knowing how to doggy paddle. After a while, will I drown or succeed in swimming? I don't know, and I guess I will never know unless someone watching gives me an honest critique.

One of the Dr.'s of the department came to watch us run Act 1 today. And it was then that one of those random theatre-reassurance moments occurred. You know those random moments that reaffirm your faith in yourself as an actor and artist? Yeah, had one of those moments. While the performances was going on, I did one of my many rambling monologues within the show, and I hear laughter coming from him. It made me jump on the inside to know that I got the first audible reaction from him for the day. I know it's small, and it probably doesn't mean anything to the random person, but to me it means everything. I collect those moments as much as I can and treasure them, because God knows that if I want to pursue this further in my life they will come less and less as the years go by. So, that was my little "Yay for the Day".

I think I've made Pidge a human role. I'm not sure what I want the audience to feel when observing her. I guess, thinking about it now, I want them feel all emotions when watching her. I want them to hate her when she's a bitch, feel scared when she has the gun, feel pity when she's trying to fight for her sister, and most importantly of all understand her at the end of it all. She can be a very unlikeable character because of her actions, but I want to try and find the humor in her to share with the audience.

Well, the show is about to let out, so I'll head home and try to relax. The next two weeks will be rough and busy, so who knows when I'll be able to update next. But, we will see.

I wish I could fly, and magically appear and disappear

So, FYI, usually I post quotes and/or Broadway song lyrics for my titles. Most of the time they are from amazing songs, so you should look them up. I'm just sayin

Anyways, this will be a shorter one. I was just thinking about this strange phenomenon that occurs during the course of the rehearsal process. Sometimes when cast in a show, we feel like some of the casting choices may have been mistaken. We wonder why a certain person got cast for that part. And even in those beginning few rehearsals, we still question their ability and/or reason for being cast.

However, for me at least, this strange sort of mindset takes over. During a certain point in the rehearsal process, I get really protective of the cast that I am in and overlook any flaws that they might have. I guess I accept their acting and go along with it. I bring this up because it is a strange relationship, especially in comparison to that of the audience watching the show only once. When I'm involved in a show, I usually think really bad actors do ok when they don't. I guess because when you're involved in the process, you see the beginning, middle, and end. So, for me, their performance means a lot more because you know all the work they've done to get there. For an audience, they are judging a single performance for this actor. So, even if they grew an immense amount over the rehearsal process, it pretty much means nothing for an audience. If they are still mediocre when they perform, the audience will think they are mediocre.

I've gone through this experience recently during the semester. I was in a great show with a great cast, but some struggled more than others. There was one actor who grew so much over the rehearsal process, and I felt like gave a really good performance. Mind you, it wasn't amazing, but still good. Another actor was in the same position, but didn't progress as much as the other actor. His performance was kind of blah, and I realize it was bad, but I would have labeled it just ok. Then, going into critiques during my acting class, I discovered that their performances were deemed "awful", "horrible", etc. I was flabbergasted by it, because I didn't think they were that bad. And it made me realize how different the experience is for the actor involved and the actor in the audience.

I don't know if it's necessarily a good or bad thing that I have this jaded view. Who knows, maybe it's only me that goes through this. But I just realized it tonight and thought I'd share it. And actor's view on the cast through the rehearsal process. Yup.

Look Mr. Sondheim, I made a hat...where there never was a hat!

So, here is part deux from the earlier post, plus a little bit more! Woohoo!

We had our first official rehearsals for "The Lone Star Love Potion" yesterday and today. Yesterday we just did a read-through, and I think it went extremely well. As I said before, it's always fascinating to see who is cast as who and how they read for a character. The script reads better than Cabin Fever does, and the possibilities are endless with the blocking. It's such a high energy, fast paced show. And on top of that it's a farce, which is probably my favorite genre of show to act in. I love portraying over the top characters. And in this show that's exactly what I'm doing. My character, Tammy Jo, is the next door neighbor who gets involved in all of the crazy shit that goes down. I see her as a mixture of Dolly Parton and Annie Oakley. It was neat because a fellow cast member told me that I was doing great with the part. She said that I'm taking a part that could be really boring and bringing it alive, which I guess is all you can ask for. I hope to develop a character that doesn't just fall through the cracks.

Today we had our first blocking rehearsal. While we were doing the first couple of scenes, the director and I had a talk about the character. He likes what I'm going for now, but he wants to see how Tammy Jo would be as more of a Texas beauty queen. I'm all for experimenting with the character, especially in the early stages, so we'll see how it goes. I really think the cast for this show is really really great, and I personally love working with our director, so I think this will be a great acting experience.

Now, for the bonus topic. I just watched a PBS documentary about the musical "In the Heights". First off, let me say, the program that does this stuff is called "Great Performances" and if I had a million dollars, I would donate a good chunk of that money to this specific program because the record such great shows! The recorded and distributed "Company", "Into the Woods", "Sweeney Todd", "Cyrano de Bergerac", etc. It's just great because now I get to watch these great performances that I would never have seen. Anyways, to continue on. I watched the documentary that was basically about the couple of weeks from their first broadway rehearsal to opening on broadway and winning the Tony award. It was so inspiring to watch different cast members talk about their past and what led them to where they are today. You could tell each one of them was so invested in their future and basically in love with their art. I was especially moved after watching the lyricist and composer (Lin Manuel Miranda) talk about working on this musical for like 7 years. Watching all of this inspired me so much. I was lying on the couch, basically almost passed out from exhaustion, but watching this woke me up completely.

That documentary made me feel like all my dreams and aspirations for my future could come true. I'll always have time to teach theatre or do some sort of job that will have money coming in. But I only get one life, so I'm going to pursue my dreams no matter how insane or stupid it might be. I will pursue a career in acting in the theatre in Chicago. I don't have to become rich and famous (although that would be a plus) I just want to try for a professional career in theatre. If I don't do this, I don't want to look back on my life and wonder what if.

So, watch this documentary. It will give you hope in the theatre and inspire you, I swear!

It sucks to be broke and unemployed and turning 33...it sucks to be me!

So, I meant to do this sooner, but the toils of summer rep are now getting to me. I'm lucky if I have enough time for a good 7 hour sleep. But I digress...

Blocking rehearsals for "Cabin Fever" are going extremely well. We just did a complete run of the show last night, only having 3 true days of blocking. That's intense! It was a little messy at some points, but overall it went pretty smoothly. She has the blocking rehearsals set up in what is now dubbed "The Dr. Gelber Method". This entails rehearsing scenes out of order, but grouping them together by the characters involved. It's helpful because it helps save time for the actors, but it sometimes causes problems when doing a run-through. You have to string together random scenes and blocking, so last night I had to focus more on what came next than the acting, which bugs me a little. But I guess these first few rehearsals are ok doing this. Another aspect of the blocking rehearsal that I'm not really used to is the directing style. Our director is very organic, and it's strange because I've never dealt with an organic director before. It's nice because I can pretty much do what I feel the character would do and not get completely shot down; however, it is a little bit frustrating when we have so many characters onstage trying to move around with their character, especially in the Lab theatre. I think it would have been nice to have more direction in the bigger group scenes to cause less chaos.

I'm excited though because I get to actually be involved in some fight choreography. I mean, sure, I've slapped people, I've been smothered, and I've thrown people to the ground...but I would call that basic fight choreography. In this show I get to do the big boy fighting. I get choked and everyone gets involved, so it's really fun.

I've noticed with this show that I've been doing a lot of "working outside-in" which is really kind of backwards for me. Usually I like to develop a character internally, get the back story and motivations and such, and then form the physicality of the character from there. In this play I've been doing the opposite, I noticed. I have a basic understanding of the character, but I haven't discovered all of Pidge's eccentricities yet. But I have been sitting like her, kind of in a boyish manner. I've also been playing around with my walk and gestures. I really like this character in the sense that I can get away with more manic gestures because she's waaaaaay out there. I always have problems with gestures: either too much or not enough.

Well, I've got to head off to shop hours (woooo?). I didn't have enough time to talk about "Lonestar" rehearsals, but it officially started yesterday. More on that later...

This is rediculous! What am I doing here? I'm in the wrong story!

First rehearsals are always interesting. There's this anticipation you get walking into the room because you don't know what to expect. How will the director be? What is the rest of the cast like? Will I mesh in with everyone? So many questions.

Our first rehearsal for "Cabin Fever" was promising. The concept of the show is pretty good. Our director wants our characters to be relatable to the audience to where they could relate certain characters to those in their own family. Her idea of Pidge is interesting. She didn't necessarily say that Pidge was crazy or not, but she did bring up an interesting point. She thought that Pidge was extremely disturbed, but she didn't want to make her the stereotypical crazy person. I totally agree with this. If I turn Pidge into the comedic relief because of her off-the-wall personality then I lose any truth in the character. I have to make her a real person who is just very colorful. I think we have different images of Pidge, but I'm excited about starting the process and meshing our two ideas together.

The read through went really well. I think the show is cast (casted? cast? past form of "to cast") very well. Everyone fits their parts beautifully, which is a blessing since there were fewer people to choose from. It is kind of strange that we have one Mexican in the whole family, but we joke that she's the milkman's daughter hehe. But besides that it really does feel like a family. I was thinking about this last night, but I think it helps us that we all know each other (some more than others). I think it's extremely difficult to create a family onstage because every one's version of a family is so different. When people get together and they don't know each other, it takes a lot longer to form that bond and create that connection with each other. Sometimes they never succeed. In our case, we have less time to form this bond, but we're not complete strangers, so it should be a little easier.

I think the biggest flaw with this production will be the script. It's a pretty good script with a nice mixture of comedy and drama. The beginning is a tad slow, and there are a lot of plot stoppers, but overall it's great...until you get to the end. Now, I've done shows with "different" endings. Case in point, "We Won't Pay!" was a show with a very controversial ending. People either loved it or hated it. During my sophomore year of high school we did "And They Danced Real Slow in Jackson" and our ending was basically a mind fuck with a girl in a wheel chair internally imploding (figuratively, not literally). So I've been in my fair share of shows with controversial endings, and most of the time (if they are motivated) I enjoy them. But the ending for this show is awful. It's like the playwright didn't know how to end the show, so he decided that he wanted Pidge to all of a sudden turn into a narrator and finish the show. It's just so cheesy because I'm monologuing about what happened to all the characters....it makes me sick it's so bad.

But, I'm going to try my hardest to make it meaningful and not god awful, we'll see how that goes.