Hey guys it's me, the biggest disappointment you know...

So, sorry for the lack of posting. The last couple of weeks have been a pain in the ass. I've been slacking off on my duties to myself on self-reflecting, so here goes...

Auditions came and went and I got nothing. It's so exhausting going from pure joy from getting called back to all three shows (which is a first for me) and then finding out you didn't get cast. I haven't had to experience that feeling in a looooooong time. I think the last time I didn't make a show was my sophomore year of high school when I auditioned for CATS. Which I guess is a pretty good track record, it just sucks major balls right now. I just finished an amazing summer of getting to play three great roles in 3 months, and now it's like I'm at square one all over again. I'm all for learning in the classroom, but it really doesn't compare to learning on stage through creating a role. And I guess I'm just disappointed in myself really. I thought I did really well at general auditions, but apparently I just didn't get the job done at callbacks. And I know they say "You can't beat yourself up about it. It's based on who melds together. You tried your best" blah blah blah. I feel like if I did my best and I was good enough then looks and melding wouldn't matter because I could act around that. But I didn't, and it's reflected on it.

I know rejection is a part of the biz, but it still hurts. I went through a period in my early "career" when I was like 12 years old and I auditioned for like 3 or 4 shows in a row and didn't get cast. It was devastating. Now I still feel like that 12 year old not getting cast. It's so frustrating when you know you can act the shit out of a role, but they just won't give you a chance. And now all this talk I've been having about going off to try this acting thing professionally and grad school seems silly now because I can't even make a show now. What makes me think I can go off somewhere and do well in the industry? Not making a show makes me question my goals and my abilities so much that it makes me sick. I feel so empty not having a show to look forward to.

Now that my pity party is done, I have to focus on the future. I get these feelings in waves. Especially when people start talking about rehearsals and costume fittings...I really just try and tune it out not to be rude, but because I know if I listen I'll get depressed. Not trying to get too personal here, but I am truly afraid I'm heading in that direction. I think I've talked about this earlier, but I've suffered real-time depression once in my life, and it was no fun at all. I'm just worried that everything that has happened this past month might push me over the edge. That's why theatre is so important to me right now. I need something to fill the hole inside, at least for a little while. But I have other projects that I'm hoping can do that for me. The community theatre in town is doing "Children of a Lesser God", which is one of my dream shows to be in because the lead female role does all sign. I am hoping and praying to get cast because the role would be a new challenge for me; I couldn't talk the entire show and would have to rely on signing and body language. It would be an amazing experience and I hope I get to be a part of it. EAT is also doing more shows in November, so I hope I get to be a big part of that as well.

So, things aren't all bad. I've always had a roller coaster relationship with theatre, so it was about time that it started going downhill. I've had a lot of success so I guess I needed a humbling experience to make me work harder and focus more. And that's what I'm going to do for the next couple of months. I'm going to work outside of the department, I'm going to read every play on the undergrad reading list before the end of the semester, and I'm going to stay as involved as I can without technically being in a show. I'm going to stay positive about this, but please send good thoughts my way to keep this outlook for as long as possible.