Valium is my favorite color...how did you know?

So, I'm writing this in a state of exhaustion, frustration, and all out scared-ness. We open "Cabin Fever" tomorrow night, and I'm a little nervous about it. We haven't run the show all the way through without stopping yet, which worries me. I think we have a good show right now, it's just hard to tell because we haven't had a full audience to react to things, so I'm not sure how it will go. People who've seen it say it's good, so we'll see.

Today was just very overwhelming for me as an actor. I think I was handling the pressure of a big part and learning everything in a short amount of time very well. Even technicals didn't really bother me. But today just kind of threw me off balance. We had dress rehearsals, which didn't bother me all that much, but on top of learning everything about the fake gun just was too much. I've never shot a gun (real or fake) before in my life, so I was petrified. And I was trying so incredibly hard not to show any fear or hesitance when handling it so I didn't make the cast feel unsafe. I focused too much on that gun, and the fact that two of the "big wigs" of the department came to watch the show. If it was one of these many factors I would have been fine, but all of them at once was impossible.

It's not like I sucked it up completely. I mean, I think I did pretty well for a while. I decided for these summer shows I was going to try out something new. This past semester I read part of Stanislavsky's "An Actor's Method", and wanted to try something that he pointed out. He wrote about the importance of getting into character by taking the time to focus and use every pre-show action to prepare yourself. I'm not going to lie, I don't take the time to get into character before a show. I'll do warm-ups and everything, but I don't just sit down and focus about it. I wanted to try this method out to see if it helped. So I did my make-up, but just chilled until I felt I needed to get ready (since I don't go into the show until about 15 minutes in). After that I focused while putting on my costume, doing my hair, and last minute make-up touches. Then I just sat in the dressing room and meditated for a while. I wanted to try and re-create this possession exercise we did during my acting class. I think it all helped a great deal, but tomorrow I'm going to take more time for the meditation part. I felt like I didn't have enough time to fully appreciate it. But for me, it got me in the right mindset for the show and my character.

I did well through all of Act 1, but it was Act 2 that got me. I don't think I took enough time to focus during intermission, so that definitely took a toll on me in the long run. I stay on stage for basically the whole time, so I probably should take double the time to prepare myself. It's just very tiring and draining while doing it. There was some point today during the run where I just lost it. I'm not sure where it was...I think maybe after the fight. Yeah, now as I think about it...I think it was at that point. I just lost "it", and I realized it while I was onstage. I knew I was out of character and lost my focus. It sucks when you realize that while you're in the middle of a show. It's very hard to get it back, and I tried my hardest, but it just wasn't the same. I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll get used to all these different factors and it won't throw me off so much.

I think we're doing some good work here. Pidge is one of the most difficult characters I've had to play, and I think I'm doing her justice. I just hope everyone sees the play and appreciates all the hard work we (and I) have done.